What Women Want From Men, Dating and RelationshipsWritten by Toni Coleman, LCSW
Dear Dating Coach- I have been dating a woman for almost three months. Lately, I have been confused about her behavior and need help to understand what is going on with us and what I can (should) do about it. Our relationship has gone from her calling me "sweetie" and asking for more intimacy; to telling me that I am pressuring her and need to stop pushing so hard. I have no problem going at whatever pace she is comfortable with, and I have told her this. In past few weeks she has cancelled plans on several occasions, saying that she needs time to think because she feels afraid and uncertain about things. When I ask her to share her feelings with me, she becomes defensive and asks me to leave her alone. I have told her to do what she needs to and I will be here when she is ready. After several days of no contact she did call and ask me about my weekend plans. This is becoming very confusing. Do you have any ideas about what I could do to break this cycle and/or what she may be afraid or concerned about? When I received this email, my first thought was that problem seemed obvious- at least to me. Her feelings had changed. The reasons were unclear, and somehow they didn't seem to be as important as simple truth that it was over. But perhaps they really were. After all, if he could gain some understanding of what went wrong it could help him to make right decisions now and avoid repeating this pattern in future relationships. Therefore, my advice to him included a recommendation that he ask her for honest feedback regarding her feelings about him and relationship. Armed with a carefully scripted and thought out approach to subject, he was increasing his chances of opening up a useful dialogue with her that at very least, could offer him insight and closure he needed. After careful preparation, he arranged for a talk about "them". Things got off to an ok start, however she soon began to act defensively and then shut down, essentially refusing to discuss her feelings or answer his questions directly and/or with candor. This left him with a decision. Should he step back from pursing this discussion with her, just maintaining status quo; or should he take action based on what he believed was problem and what would be in his best interest over time. He struggled with making this choice because he was able to rationalize her behavior and make up plausible excuses for what was happening. This left him with (false) hope and a feeling of powerlessness. As a dating coach, I receive (and answer) many emails from men like one above. My advice is based on knowledge and expertise gained from years of experience in working with complex dynamics that occur between people. However, as world of meeting and dating continues to evolve; I have found it useful to talk to people who are out there living it, and gather their insights and observations. I asked a group of 20-30 something, professional, single women to share their thoughts and reactions to above email. Our discussion also covered their likes/dislikes, turn-ons and offs and qualities they look for in a potential partner. I wanted candid, unedited comments that I could share with this writer and with all guys out there who are confused by behavior of women they are meeting and dating. Their feedback on email question was fairly consistent. His girlfriend's feelings had changed. They believed she wanted to break things off but didn't know how to or was uncomfortable being bad guy. One woman shared that in at least one of her past relationships, she had behaved very badly towards him, hoping HE would end it. Another woman stated, "There are women out there who act very lovingly in order to get a guy, then become who they really are once they have him." All agreed that he should end it and give himself chance to meet someone who is ready for a relationship and truly wants one with him. On subject of men who turn them on, women came up with similar attributes and ranked them in order of importance. Sense of humor and intelligence topped list. We discussed these as critical components in friendship and compatibility. Attributes such as stable, mature, positive, loving and good father material all weighed in equally as close seconds with 30 somethings. The younger women stated that they have not given much thought to importance of those things yet. All of woman said that their ideal guy had to be right type, even though two groups differed somewhat in their preferred type. Adjectives like clean cut, polished, conservative, not too conservative, very confident and with a certain style of dress- were used to describe Mr. Right. All of women said that it was important to them that their man be assertive, ambitious and able to earn a good living. They felt this was important in order to have a family someday and/or have more lifestyle options available to them. When one of women shared her need for a good listener, who "doesn't try to fix problem", all of women said, "yes" in a strong chorus.
| | Buying Property on The Costa Blanca Written by Anthony Carter
Buying a property in your home country can be a daunting, and sometimes traumatic, experience so if you are contemplating buying in a foreign country this can only add to complexities and uncertainties. For any property purchase you will rely on information, advice and assistance provided by others ~ vendor, agent, lawyer, financial advisor, bank manager, family and friends for example. When buying abroad it is possible that you could misinterpret information you are given because you will probably not be familiar with laws, procedures and language of that particular country. For these same reasons you are also open to exploitation by some not so reputable people if you are not on your guard!The details and practicalities of finding a home in a foreign country are often underestimated. You first need to decide on your preferred location. On Costa Blanca you have a wide choice of coastal, rural, village, town or city locations. Access to shops, schools, working opportunities, social activities, transport, rental potential, etc., have to be considered. Then you need to choose type of property and facilities you want. Is there scope for expansion or a pool maybe, is price reasonable, is it in a good state of repair, etc.? This can take many trips to different areas and many days, or even weeks or months, to research yourself. Once you have found your dream home then you have to sign a contract of intent and arrange finance. You may need to arrange a Spanish mortgage and /or transfer some funds from your home country. You will need to register as a property owner in Spain and, if you are going to live there, apply for a residents permit. If you are of retirement age you will need to ensure that you have correct documentation to continue to receive your pension and to qualify for reciprocal health care arrangements. Other matters to consider include home insurance, registering and paying for electricity, gas and water services, having a telephone installed, buying a car and taxing and insuring it, which television system to have, enrolling children at school, etc. If you do not intend to live in your new home full time you may want to rent it out. Then you will need to arrange sales literature, advertising, a booking procedure, cleaning and laundry for your tenants and someone to look after your property when you are not there. To do all of this on your own is a major task and you could leave a lot to chance as, in addition to points mentioned above, you will also need to decide if people and businesses you are going to use and take advice from are legitimate and fair and will give you good service at right price. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a friend who knows all these things and can do all of these things for you, and with you? WELL YOU HAVE! An increasing number of people are finding that using services of a firm of Independent Property Consultants, such as Holidays and Homes on Costa Blanca, can take stress and risk out of purchasing a property in a foreign country. It is like having a friend who knows all answers and will do all research and leg work on your behalf, even before you visit country if you wish! They will complete formalities for you and will work with just your interests in mind as they are not tied to any particular agents, builders or developers. They will have been through buying process for themselves as well as guiding numerous other people through same procedure. They will know who provides best service at best price and who, and what, to avoid.
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