What Is a Boundary?

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


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Title: What Is a Boundary? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 756 Category: Relationships

What Is a Boundary? Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

My clients often explain to me how they set a boundary. They tell me something like, “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public,” or “I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on,” or “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop being critical of me.”

This is not a boundary. A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what YOU will do inrepparttar 129420 face ofrepparttar 129421 other’s continued unkind or undesirable behavior. While it is hard for most people to accept, we cannot control another’s behavior. What we can control is our own response inrepparttar 129422 face of others’ behavior.

A boundary is about telling your truth and taking action on it. For example:

“I’m no longer willing to be with you in public when you put me down. The next time you do that, I will announce to everyone that I’m unwilling to be put down by you any more. Then I will leave and takerepparttar 129423 car or a cab home.”

“I’m no longer willing to be late to events because of you being late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you. If you continue to be late, then I will just plan on taking separate cars.”

“Your constant criticisms feel awful to me. From now on, when you are critical, I will tell you that it feels awful and leaverepparttar 129424 room.”

Then, of course, you have to takerepparttar 129425 action you have said you would take. If you do not takerepparttar 129426 action, then what you have said is a manipulation rather than a truth. A boundary means nothing until you are willing to takerepparttar 129427 action.

The tricky part of this has to do with your intent. If you intent is to controlrepparttar 129428 other person rather than take loving care of yourself, then your statement and action is just another form of control. If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then your tone of voice will be calm and matter-of-fact – just lettingrepparttar 129429 other person know what you will be doing or are doing. If your desire is to controlrepparttar 129430 other person, then your tone of voice will be angry, blaming, and accusing, and your energy will be hard and closed.

How to Achieve More by Dealing with Resistance

Written by Peter Murphy


Today I want to discussrepparttar missing link in goal attainment...

Your personal success and achievement depends on your ability to act upon what you know. Yet this is where most people stumble.

It is easy to find out what to do. Simply askrepparttar 129417 right people for advice, readrepparttar 129418 best books onrepparttar 129419 subject and attendrepparttar 129420 seminars that will fill inrepparttar 129421 missing details.

It is following through on what you know that makesrepparttar 129422 difference betweenrepparttar 129423 people who are achieving and everyone else.

Think about something you want to do...

You probably already know enough to get started. You will never have certainty you will succeed but you can have a good sense that with adequate preparation you will do well.

What is stopping you?

Resistance - that feeling of not being able to do what you want to do.

Resistance has many symptoms. You may feel tired, not able to concentrate or an inability to get started even when you have everything you need to begin.

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