Many introverts today are accepting positive self images for themselves. After all, introversion is a legitimate personality style. We are learning not to try and be like someone else but to make
most of who we are. Famous introverts like Sir Isaac Newton, Mother Theresa, Jackie Kennedy, Albert Einstein and Michael Jackson give us great examples and even more permission to be who we are and win. As I explain to my clients around world, “If you try to be like someone else, best you can be is a poor imitation. Instead, try to find out who you are and be best YOU that you can be!” This is winning way.We can be inspired by great introverts who have gone before and we can learn some of their coping techniques but it’s up to us to be ourselves.
Recently an introvert sent me this email. “Sometimes I need to be social, we all do, and I'd like to know how I can get right into it at will (okay, that's wishful thinking, it'll never be that easy). I was wondering if spending most of my time alone is only way to hone my social skills…. Thanks for any help you can give me. Patrick”
I’ve been getting a lot of email lately from introverts who feel same way as Patrick. They understand it’s important to spend time alone (introverts need to spend up to half their time alone to be really happy) but introverts who write me still want to know, “How can I chat someone up when I need to?”
One thing I’ve noticed in few articles I’ve read on internet about networking and socializing for introverts is that these articles just aren’t specific enough. They give good general advice, but it’s things we’ve heard all our lives and still don’t “get”, such as “show an interest in other people”, “get out more”, “take spotlight off yourself and put it on other person.”
I’m going to give you some specific things to say to get ball rolling.
As you practice, start small. Try one thing at a time. Don’t get discouraged if you flop. Keep trying and pretty soon, you’ll (OUCH) be life of party! No, no no. We are not going to live here. We are just going to be a good visitor.
My tips today are about social context of business. If it’s social aspect of dating you’re wondering about, I have a great eBook on dating tips called “Dating Tips for Introverts” that you can pick it up at my website. It’s introvert-specific information you won’t find anywhere else.
In a business context, first let’s deal with this whole concept of small talk. Unlike us, extroverts actually enjoy small talk and 75% of people you meet are likely to be extroverts. The suggestions I give may seem crude to you and they are very superficial, but this is nature of small talk.
Small talk has to be “small” enough that no one is antagonized. It is geared to include as many people as possible, excluding as few as possible. The general rules are to avoid topics such as politics and religion and to focus instead on matters so innocuous that no one can’t join in.
Next, please realize that you – disliking to talk – are perfect audience for extroverts. They like being asked questions and enjoy talking while someone else nods with interest or chimes in occasionally. This may sound strange to you but it’s true.
In some cases people will wind up thinking you’re a fascinating person because in your presence they hear themselves say fascinating things. This is magic of relating. Amazing, isn’t it?
My grandmother used to be active in bringing legitimate Broadway theater to Chicago, “Second City”. She held banquets to host famous actors and actresses. Before an important dinner, she’d research their lives in library (no computers back then) so she could have what she called some “intelligent conversation” with them over dinner.
Here are some sample questions she might have come up with, “Few people probably know that you grew up in India, but I find that fascinating. How did it happen you were born there?” or "I understand your first real break was in playing such-and-such a role in Such-and-Such a play. Wasn’t that a little out of character for you?” or “What’s it like to travel so much and raise children?”
My grandmother prepared ahead of time because she knew who she’d be talking to and you can do this, too. As well as lightly researching companies, backgrounds, schools, and interests of people who are likely to be at meeting, try to have a short supply of ready topics on hand that are general in nature. Remember, because it’s small talk, it can’t be something controversial or very “heavy”. Avoid topics like immigration, terrorism, SARs and mad cow disease. Instead choose things of local or personal interest. Perhaps this is why “Great weather we’re having, isn’t it?” is be-all and end-all of small talk. It’s safe. It’s obvious and it’s readily available.
