Yesterday you were a vacuum bag salesman in South Piddleville. Today you're
Vacuum Bag King of
Internet!And me? I'm your customer. Maybe.
The Through-A-Goose School of Internet Marketing holds that certain e-commerce websites would be better off streamlining their designs so they can fast-track visitors through
sales process and send them on their way rather than befuddling them with a dizzying array of branding gimmicks and sticky-site gadgets... and sending them on their way.
Once you're in a goose's system,
thinking goes, there's only one way out. There are no options or choices, no weighty decisions, no wrong turns, no time for doubt, no chance of error. In and out. Zip zam zooey.
A goosed website should be just as slick. The process should be so smooth and fast that
actual purchase practically precedes
decision to purchase.
In this light, here are ten thoughts about your vacuum bag website that threaten to keep our relationship from blossoming into a completed transaction:
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1. OVER-STRETCHED METAPHORS
It's not ~really~ a mall or a store or even a kiosk. If anything, it's an interactive brochure. If it starts talking or playing music, I get scared and run away. And that off-the-shelf flash intro doesn't really get my vacuum bag juices flowing either.
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2. OFF-TOPIC BET-HEDGING
Do I follow that online casino banner after I buy my vacuum bags? Or shall I risk blowing my entire twelve dollar vacuum bag budget there?
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3. OOZING NEEDINESS
You seem a little too happy to see me. I'm worried that if I buy something from you, you'll invite me home for supper with
wife and kids. That's more commitment than I care to make for vacuum bags.
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4. RABID INFO-SUCK
You're assaulting me with pop-up windows because you want my email address so you can inform me when you make changes to your vacuum bag website. Do I have that right?
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5. LIMP USP
Google informs me that I can buy vacuum bags from any of one hundred eighty-three thousand, six hundred and seventy-five sites. Your Unique Selling Proposition is why I'm gonna pick yours. If your USP is a Free Vacuum Bag Industry Update Newsletter, then maybe I'll click over to one of those gazillion other sites where
USP might be guaranteed lowest price or free overnight delivery.