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Title: The Privilege of Resolving Relationship Conflict Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 731 Category: Relationships
THE PRIVILEGE OF RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In a phone session I had with Shelly and Stan, a couple who have been together for six years, they described to me a conflict they had day before. Stan had become irritated with Shelly and Shelly had responded to his irritation by withdrawing. This was a typical dynamic between them, and distance would often continue for days until they finally talked about it or until charged energy just dissipated. Neither was happy with distance, yet generally both waited for other to reach out.
In this particular conflict, Shelly decided that she didn’t want days of distance, so she went to Stan and apologized for her end of conflict and told him that she wanted to feel close to him rather than be distant. Stan softened and they were able to quickly move through conflict.
However, when Shelly told me about this, she complained that she was usually one who reached out and that it “wasn’t fair.” She didn’t like it that Stan often waited and stewed for days.
“Shelly,” I asked, “How did you feel when you were able to reach out and heal distance between you?”
“I felt good. I felt relieved.”
“Stan, how did you feel waiting and pouting?” I asked.
“I felt awful.”
“Shelly, maybe you can reframe your concept of reaching out. I believe that reaching out is a privilege. When I reach out, I move myself out of feeling like a victim and into my power. I like who I am when I reach out, and I don’t like myself at all if I stew and fume and blame and wait for other person to apologize. Even if I believe that other person is totally at fault, waiting for them to reach out feels awful. If other person has really behaved badly, somewhere within they are not feeling good about it, even if they are still angry with me. When I move into compassion for wounded part of them rather than staying stuck in my own righteousness, I feel peaceful within rather than in turmoil.
