If you’re actually reading this article, you may be one of those closet politeness pundits yourself. Here, I’ll save you from having to look it up. It’s from
Sanskrit (pandita) and means “ a learned man” (while I am female) or “one who gives opinions in an authoritative manner.”Is that you? If so, huzzah, you’ve found a fellow champion (and I, you)!
Do you walk around shaking your head these days, wondering why it all has to be so nasty? Do you listen to someone cop an attitude to someone else (beyond age of, say, 18, where copping an attitude is expected) and have that ‘nails on a blackboard’ feeling? Do you watch someone go after someone else at work in a perfectly awful way, seemingly just for sport of it, and shudder? Do you wonder where politeness has gone? And why?
If so, you may wonder, as I do, what their childhood was like that they failed to rise above stuff of childhood. Now, I’ll admit I had perfect childhood for exploring my own nastiness and limitations of rewards of same. I had a twin sister (as well as other siblings). Twins spend an inordinate amount of time together. It’s ultimate test: get along or die.
We fought like cats and dogs. Mother would banish us to separate rooms and we’d cry to get back together again (so she said). What’s a mother to do? Eventually she gave up, smart woman that she was, and let us sort it out.
What was I to do? My twin took my necklace, slopped her things all over my side of room, took MY Snicker’s bar, occasionally lost her temper and said nasty things to me, and sometimes (when Mother wasn’t looking, which was most of time) even slapped me around a bit. And she was always there! That’s thing: it doesn’t go away.
On other hand, I never had to start school alone. I could take her Snicker’s bar, as well as borrow her necklace. I never had to wake up alone in night. And we could gang up on someone who was nasty to one of us.
I can’t say I “struggled” with this; it was just a fact of life, and in some muddled child-y sort of way, I figured out good outweighed bad, and that I’d just have to figure out something.
It was helped by an act of fate: my father’s latest promotion landed us in a new high school of 4,000, not knowing anyone but each other. I think we both decided it might be smart to get along with one another.
While we weren’t that crazy about one another at that point, we were all we had. And there’s a sense in which that’s true of all of us, no?
There in that office where you work is this little group of people you’re stuck with all day long, like it or not. So why not get along? Would it be so difficult? No, it would not, and it brings nice results. If you’re egocentric type – it helps your health. If you’re another type – you’ve learned by now, I’m sure, that sugar works better than vinegar, or however that saying goes.
I’m struck with irrelevant things people blame their nastiness on – I can’t stand my manager, they don’t know how to do things around here, she gets on my nerves, they don’t appreciate me … and then I have a headache, backache, teenager at home, PMS. Who doesn’t? That’s an excuse, not a reason.
It isn’t all about you. And check out your premises. Who said you have to like someone to get along with them? Who says you have to be feeling good to behave in a civilized manner?
It’s same with marriage – barring true pathology on party of first part, or second, you’re going to encounter same set of bowling pins at end of every bowling alley. Things are not, nor will they ever be, arranged for your sole satisfaction.
Because we live and work together, we have etiquette (or used to): rules of how to behave in public. It may be experiencing a comeback. Some of us would be relieved to see more of it.
OFFICE SCENARIOS
·Pollyanna walks through usual stress-filled office with a big smile on her face and Scrooge says, “Why are you smiling? Are you on drugs or something?” POLITENESS POINT: If you’re so unhappy you must stamp out all signs of it in others, get therapy. ·Mario turns a corner and runs into someone who snarls at him. POLITNESS POINT: Since when did we stop walking (as we drive) on right side (not ‘correct’ side, right-as-opposed-to-left side) of hallway? The rules are what make orderly life possible. You see how many squabbles could be prevented if we did something like this? ·People walk in without greeting one another, which not only makes it impossible for phone receptionist to know who’s there, but puts a surly tone to it all. POLITENESS POINT: Didn’t your mother instruct you to say “Good morning. Did you sleep well?” when you came to breakfast table? COROLLARY: Whether you meant it or not. That’s sort of point. ·Flick hands Flack a phone message, who takes it, grunts, turns oh his heel and walks off. POLITENESS POINT: What happened to “Thank you” and “You’re welcome.” ·Curly, Larry and Moe head out to lunch, not inviting 4th member of department to join them, for whatever reason, and saying nothing. POLITENESS POINT: “We’re going to have lunch to talk about our part of project. I know you’ve had enough of it, so you don’t have to come.” ·Playing game of “let’s get new person.” POLITENESS POINT: Frat hazing is for frat boys. Grow up. ·Someone comes from another culture/dresses weird/is known to be a stamp collector/takes punctuation a little too seriously so let’s mob up on them and make their life miserable. POLITENESS POINT: Very astute, Sherlock, that they’re different, but if you need to make someone else feel small in order to make yourself feel big, get therapy. ·Mary’s bored so she starts a rumor about Harry. POLITENESS POINT: Isn’t there some work you’re supposed to be doing? ·You’re boss, it’s your shop, you fought and scrambled to get there, so now you’ve earned right to act like a petulant two-year-old. POLITENESS POINT: Life is long. What goes around comes around. COROLLARY: Do you have any idea what you look like when you’re acting that way? ·When you were climbing up ladder Attila Hun was nasty to you, so now it’s your turn. POLITENESS POINT: Instead of “turn about is fair play,” how about getting your knuckles off ground and treating people way you wish you’d been treated and weren’t? In addition to giving you a delicious sense of righteousness, it could also save your health, not to mention that of those around you. ·You can’t control yourself because you’re under too much stress/have more to do than everyone else/produce most/are special. POLITENESS POINT: Give me a break. · You don’t like something about someone so you’re rude. POLITENESS POINT: If you aren’t past point of logic and reason, did you ever consider they probably don’t like something about you as well, so that’s not a reason!
