One good way to learn to become a good conversationalist is to study someone who is. Another is to work with a coach.

It’s a combination of being present and engaged; having non-verbals under control; being truly interested in other people and curious about them; taking responsibility for holding up your end (“Don’t sit there like a bump on a log,” my Dad used to say, and a consummate conversationalist he was!); and having an interesting life yourself! After all, good conversation requires that you talk about something.

Here are some tips for conversationally-challenged. Work with a coach if you want to become proficient.

1. You can never lose by being a good listener.

Most people would rather talk than listen, and they need an audience. All you need to do is stay with it – maintain eye contact, smile, nod occasionally, say “uh huh,” "really?", "oh my goodness," "I understand exactly what you mean," and "yes, I see."

2. If you’re unsure of yourself, join existing groups where conversation is already in progress.

Until you’re confident about what you’re doing, don’t initiate conversation. It’s too much work, and you don’t need to be center of attention at this point.

3. Before you leave for gathering, prepare yourself intellectually.

One woman I know who’s an excellent conversationalist finds out what she can about others who will be there, and then does some reading. She really works at it.

For instance, if she knows another guest at dinner party just moved from Boston, she'll get on Internet and get herself informed. You can also research other people's professions and hobbies.

Then if you're seated on cruise next to a woman from Seattle, you can ask her if she's got a Chihuly and sound like a pro.

4. In any social situation, asking about people’s children is a sure winner.

There’s nothing most people would rather talk about than their kids, unless of course there’s a problem that you know of.

Not always good for business networking, but at a cocktail party or dinner party, get them started talking about their little darlings (or grand-darlings) and you’ll never get a word in edgewise, which is what you want when you’re a newbie conversationalist.

5. Follow conversation. Don’t butt in, and don’t get controversial, even if you don’t agree with what’s being said.

Generally speaking, avoid controversial topics. Save giving your own opinion, when it differs, until you have your sea legs.

The old rule used to be “Don’t talk about sex, religion or politics.” (Talking about money wasn't even a remote possibility.) Now there isn't much that's off-limits, but until you’re a seasoned professional, don’t start out with, “What do you think about Bush’s policy?”

6. Write out a list of conversation-starters.

Nice safe topics (weather, current events, family plans, light work topics). Open-ended works best, but isn't essential. People know they're supposed to be talking. Here are a few I would use here in my hometown:

Nobody lives a perfect blissful life from birth to grave. Problems arise and we usually play a role in creating those problems for ourselves. Perhaps problem is that we just aren't where we want to be in life. If we are ever to fix anything or solve any problems, we must first pull our head out of sand and acknowledge situation for what it is. Take full stock of ourselves, our beliefs, our gifts, our talents, our challenges, our flaws, everything. By really looking at ourselves, we can then decide what we do and do not like about ourselves. From a place of self-awareness, we can determine what is helping us to accomplish our goals and what is limiting us. That's being self-aware.

Self-criticism looks very similar. We are taking inventory of ourselves and assigning positive and negative labels to those traits we find within. The difference comes in form of attitude we use while doing so. If we are judging various attributes, especially from a harsh light, then we are being critical rather than simply being aware. When we are being self-critical, we are not loving, logical, nor detached from various elements of ourselves that we are analyzing. We are being very judgmental and unnecessarily harsh.