The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as
author resource box at end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.Title: Should I End This Relationship? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 856 Category: Relationships
SHOULD I END THIS RELATIONSHIP? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In 35 years I’ve been counseling, thousands of couples have come to me wondering if they should end their relationship. Most of these people were in love at one point but are now really miserable with each other, or one partner is miserable with other. Generally, they don’t know what real problem is. They know what they don’t like about other person. They know they can’t communicate about what is important to them. They know they fight about money or sex or time or chores or hundreds of other things, or they ignore problems and are distant. What they don’t know is what REAL problem is.
Leaving a relationship before knowing what real problem is, is generally a waste of time (aside from domestic violence) - especially if you eventually want to be in another relationship.
The reason it’s a waste of time is because whatever you are doing to create your unhappiness, you are not going to stop doing just because you leave relationship. You take yourself with you when you leave, and unless you heal your part of relationship problem, you will continue to behave in ways that eventually destroys relationships.
You might be surprised to learn that time to leave a relationship is NOT when you are miserable, but rather when you are happy, joyful and peaceful. When you have learned how to make yourself happy and bring yourself peace and joy, and if your partner is still distance, angry, needy, disconnected, resistant, unloving, or acting out addictively - then it may be time to leave if that is what you want.
When I work with couples, I help each partner learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs. Obviously, if both people are behaving in ways that bring themselves joy, they will have a lot of love to share with each other. As long as they are stuck believing that their unhappiness of other person’s fault, they are being victims. As victims they want to control other person and get them to behave way they want them behave. As victims, they are afraid of being rejected or controlled, and are behaving in ways to protect themselves from what they fear. All ways they are trying to have control over not being rejected or controlled are creating relationship problems.
