Should I End This Relationship?

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


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Until you become aware of how you are being a victim and how you are trying to control your partner - and you are successful in taking care of your own feelings and needs - there is no point in leaving.

Most people who are unhappy in their relationship are reactors. They are reacting torepparttar other person’s controlling behavior with their own controlling behavior. For example:

• When Jacob criticizes her, Hannah shuts down. When Hannah shuts down, Jacob criticizes.

• When Sally gets angry at Joe, Joe defends, lectures and explains himself. When Joe lectures, Sally gets angry and resistant.

• When Robert is demanding, Ingrid gives herself up to comply with Robert’s demands. The more Ingrid complies,repparttar 130552 more Robert demands.

• When Michele complains, Hugh resists. The more Hugh resist,repparttar 130553 more Michele complains.

• When Craig acts like an irresponsible child, Karen becomes parental and judgmental. The more Karen is parental and judgmental,repparttar 130554 more Craig is resistant and irresponsible.

Each of these people are reacting in controlling ways, rather than acting in ways that take loving care of themselves. Both people are participating in creating a negative circle. Generally, they then blamerepparttar 130555 other for their own reaction: “If you wouldn’t criticize, then I wouldn’t withdraw.” “Well, if you wouldn’t withdraw, then I wouldn’t criticize.” “If you weren’t so resistant, I wouldn’t get angry.” “If you weren’t so angry, I wouldn’t resist.”

If they were to act in loving ways toward themselves rather than react in controlling ways toward their partner, then:

• When Jacob criticized, Hannah might speak up for herself instead of shutting down, saying something like, “Jacob, I don’t like being criticized. I’m not willing to have this discussion until we can be open with each other.” When Hannah shut down, Jacob could be curious instead of critical, saying something like, “Honey, you must have a good reason for withdrawing from me. Do you want to talk about it?”

• When Sally got angry, Joe could disengage fromrepparttar 130556 conversation instead of trying to talk her out of her feelings. He would give up trying to have control over Sally’s anger and how she sees him and take care of himself. When Joe tried to control Sally with his lecturing and explaining, instead of trying to control him with her anger, Sally could speak up for herself, telling Joe that she doesn’t like it when he tries to talk her out of her feelings.

There is no point in leaving a relationship until you have learned act in ways that are loving to yourself and your partner, instead of reacting in controlling and resistant ways. Leaving only delays this learning until your next relationship.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com


Do What You Know & Love. Let the Passion Pushes You Forward

Written by Maria Marsala, Business Growth Specialist


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If you are just starting a business or growing your career, here are some questions to ask yourself...

~~What are you passionate about? ~~What is that "something" thatyou do as a volunteer or would do without being paid? ~~What do you do in your business now, that is very familiar. ~~What would taking that skill torepparttar next level look like? ~~What skills do you have now, that others can benefit from, and that will generate an income for you? ~~What are you doing to build a strong business or career foundation?

Build your confidence slowly and surely as you build a strong foundation. Start with what you know! I bet you know plenty!



© 2003 Maria Marsala, Business Growth Specialist. Helping you attract clients and improve your bottom line by providing blue chip methods, practical ideas and proven systems for businesses growth. Request a consultation or join Elevating Your Business Ezine now. Visit http://coachmaria.com


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