More Important Than LoveWritten by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as author resource box at end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.Title: More Important Than Love Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 809 Category: Relationships, Sexuality More Important Than Love By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. “I just want to feel loved,” complained Angie. “Is that too much to ask? I want to be able to count on Richard in bed. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t count!” Angie and her husband, Richard, were caught in a power struggle that was having a very negative affect on their sex life. Most of time, as soon as they started to have intercourse, Richard would ejaculate, leaving Angie angry and frustrated. The more upset Angie got, more trouble Richard was having sexually. They started counseling with me due to this issue. “Richard,” I asked, “Have you had problems with premature ejaculation in other relationships before you got married?” “Yes,” he answered. “Sometimes they would start off okay, but eventually they always ended up this way. I’ve tried lots of different things but nothing has worked. I just don’t know what problem is.” As I got to know Angie and Richard, it became apparent to me that they were caught in a control-resist system, and that it was this system that was affecting their sex life. It was same system that had negatively affected their sex lives in previous relationships. Angie had learned early in her life, from both of her parents, to protect herself from pain with anger and righteousness. When things didn’t go her way or when she felt rejected, she would get hard, bristly, blaming, and parental. At those moments, having control over getting love and avoiding pain was more important to her than being loving to herself and others. Angie had no idea how to take loving care of herself in face of feeling rejected. Richard learned early in his life from his experiences with his parents that not being controlled was more important than being loving to himself or others. He learned to go into various forms of resistance to feel safe from being controlled by others, including not doing well in school and not taking care of his health. For Richard, premature ejaculation was another form of covert resistance. It’s as if his body was saying, “I don’t want to be controlled so I need to get out of here as soon as I can.” In addition, he was covertly saying to Angie, and perhaps women in general, “I’ll show you that you can’t control me.” Richard had no idea how to take loving care of himself in face of feeling engulfed, so wounded part of him would revert to what he learned as a child - resistance.
| | Fight, Flight, or Loving ActionWritten by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as author resource box at end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.Title: Fight, Flight, or Loving Action Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 833 Category: Relationships, Conflict Resolution Fight, Flight, or Loving Action By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from tiger, bear, lava from volcano…. Fight or flight - today we automatically respond this way to present dangers, deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and engulfment - fears of loss of other and loss of self. Often, when we feel rejected and fear loss of other, we fight for love not to go away by defending, explaining, blaming, attacking, complying, fixing, or we flee through withdrawal. Often, when we feel engulfed and fear losing ourselves through being controlled by another, we flee through resistance or withdrawal, or fight by attacking, defending, or explaining. Just as our ancestors fought or fled from physical danger, we fight and flee from emotional danger. The problem is that, while fight or flight is appropriate in face of physical danger, this same behavior in face of emotional fear causes deep problems in relationships. When we respond automatically to fears of losing ourselves and losing another, we behave in very ways that create fear in other. Our fight or flight reactions create fear in other person - same fears of losing themselves or losing us. Our fighting and fleeing activates others’ fear of rejection and engulfment, creating a vicious circle of fighting and fleeing. These unconscious, automatic reactions to emotional danger were learned long ago, when we were very small and had to rely on fight or flight as part of our survival. Today they are now longer necessary for our survival, and need to be replaced with loving actions toward ourselves and others. What does it mean to take loving action in face of another’s fight or flight behavior? Where do we get role modeling for what it looks like to take loving action in face of another’s unloving behavior? Most of us had parents who did not role model loving action in face of conflict. We have not seen much of it on TV or in movies. How do we learn to take loving action in our own behalf when in conflict with another - action that takes care of ourselves without violating or threatening another?
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