More Important Than Love

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


Continued from page 1

While Angie was not causing Richard to resist and Richard was not causing Angie to get angry and judgmental, they were each reacting torepparttar otherís learned protections with their own learned protections. Either one could shiftrepparttar 126146 system by learning to take care of themselves when their fears of rejection and engulfment surfaced.

For example, Angie can practice tuning into her feelings of rejection and reassuring herself that Richardís behavior is coming from his fear of engulfment and is not a personal rejection of her. She can practice moving into compassion for herself and Richard, rather than going immediately into judgment.

Richard can practice speaking his truth and standing up for himself when Angie is angry and blaming, rather than going into automatic resistance. He can let Angie know that he is not available to being treated this way, and atrepparttar 126147 same time stay open to caring about her feelings and understanding that his resistant behavior is painful to her.

Whilerepparttar 126148 power struggle is showing up inrepparttar 126149 sexual arena, it is actually taking place inrepparttar 126150 whole relationship. Oftenrepparttar 126151 sexual relationship is a barometer of what is happening inrepparttar 126152 rest ofrepparttar 126153 relationship. With Angie and Richard,repparttar 126154 control and resistant behavior is most apparent in their sexual relationship. Sexuality is a vulnerable area, and it is easy to feel rejected inrepparttar 126155 sexual arena. Because of this vulnerability, it is in this area that Angie is most controlling. It is in this arena where she feels most rejected when Richard is not fully present or prematurely ejaculates. Richard, onrepparttar 126156 other hand, is most frightened of being controlled inrepparttar 126157 sexual arena. Being told what to do and how he should perform sets off all his fears of engulfment. The anxiety he feels over performance as well asrepparttar 126158 anger over Angieís attempts to control him combine to make him too tense to be fully present. Without being present with his love for Angie, his body resists lovemaking.

Instead of working on sex, Angie and Richard are each working on their individual participation inrepparttar 126159 control-resist system. Each are practicing staying open to honesty and caring and personal responsibility for their own feelings rather than just controlling and resisting control. As a result, their sex life is slowly improving.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com


Fight, Flight, or Loving Action

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


Continued from page 1

This role modeling exists inrepparttar form of our spiritual Guidance. Tapping into this Guidance is not as hard as you may think - it just takes practice and a deep desire to move out of fight or flight and into loving action.

The steps we can take to move out of automatic fight or flight and into loving actions are:

1. Start to attend to your feelings,repparttar 126145 physical sensations within your body that let you know when you are anxious or afraid.

2. Stop and breathe when you feel fear or anxiety inrepparttar 126146 face of conflict, or inrepparttar 126147 face of anotherís fight or flight behavior. Give yourself some breathing time to make a conscious decision rather than go on automatic pilot.

3. Open to learning withrepparttar 126148 source of spiritual Guidance that is always here for all of us by asking with a sincere desire to know, ďWhat isrepparttar 126149 loving action? What is in my highest good andrepparttar 126150 highest good ofrepparttar 126151 other?Ē Asking this question with a deep desire to learn opensrepparttar 126152 door to receiving information. It does not matter whether you are asking this of your own highest self within, or from an external source of wisdom. The information will come inrepparttar 126153 form of words, pictures, or feelings when you sincerely want to be loving to yourself and others.

4. Take action onrepparttar 126154 information you receive.

Examples of loving action are:

1. Move into compassion forrepparttar 126155 other person, recognizing that he or she would not be in fight or flight without being in fear. Askingrepparttar 126156 other person, again from a deep desire to learn, what he or she is afraid of that is causing this behavior may de-escalaterepparttar 126157 situation and lead to understanding and healing.

2. Ifrepparttar 126158 other person is not open to calm discussion and exploration ofrepparttar 126159 conflict, disengage fromrepparttar 126160 interaction, speaking your truth without anger or blame. For example, you might say, ďI donít want to fight with you. Iím going to take a walk and letís try to talk about it later.Ē Or, ďThis isnít feeling good between us. Letís take a break and get together later.Ē

3. Ifrepparttar 126161 other person has withdrawn from you, loving action may be to do something fun or nurturing for yourself.

Both staying and learning together or taking some time apart to reflect onrepparttar 126162 issues or self-nurture will breakrepparttar 126163 cycle of each person going into fight or flight in reaction torepparttar 126164 other personís fight or flight. It takes conscious practice to stop going into automatic behavior, butrepparttar 126165 payoff is well worthrepparttar 126166 time it takes to practice loving action.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com


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