Midlife Dating: What are the Rules?Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Midlife Dating Coach
When you get ready to dip your toe into dating waters after having been married for a while, you may be wondering what rules are.While some people say “there are no rules” in game of life, I think it’s opposite. There are always rules, and you have to figure them out as you go along. There are no rules in sense that you don’t have to follow them, following them doesn’t guarantee good results, and they don’t apply to everyone. You can also follow all rules but personalities and emotions get in way. For instance in school, you probably learned unfair fact of life that you could be best student, but you might not get best grades if teacher didn’t like you. That’s a meta-rule. Meta-rules are rules about rules. To say “there are no rules” is a meta-rule. It will be helpful if you arm yourself with some meta-rules before you begin dating again. Here are a few. There are more in my ebook, “Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women.” 1.Use good manners. Then no matter what happens, you’ll still feel good about yourself. 2.It’s frustrating because everyone’s in a different stage of recovery and because it’s a challenge to meet new people. There will be rejections. Roll with punches. Everyone else is going through it too. 3.People of opposite sex have changed since last you dated. If last time you dated women were 20, and now they’re 40, you’ll find they’ve learned a lot about men and relationships. Expect surprises. 4.All members of opposite sex are not like one you just lost or left. 5.There’s a lid for every pot. Keep looking. 6.Get clear about what you want, and make sure you’re sending out right signals. (Check with a coach.) 7.“I love you” no longer means a commitment. It’s said more often, just as hugs between men and women are given more often. 8.People lie, both men and women. This hasn’t changed. 9.People also do not always know how they feel nor are they able to express it accurately. Women remain better at it, statistically. It can take a man hours to figure out what he was feeling at time. If you’re a man and want to speed this up and clarify, work with an EQ coach. If you’re a woman, give him time. 10.It takes time to get to know someone and trust them. Experience them over time in different situations with different people and pay attention. 11.We “intuit” meta-rules. The rules that are spoken or written are not always rules that matter. For instance in grade school we knew rules, but we knew what teachers enforced them and what teachers didn’t. Likewise with midlife dating, it’s not always as it first appears. With experience, you’ll start to catch on, get better at it, and feel better about it, even if you can’t articulate it. That’s intuition. 12.There are no mistakes, as long as you’re learning and growing. 13.Date with attitude of having experiences and getting experience, not having success. Success may be a byproduct of experiences, but getting experience is point. 14.Desperation drives it away.
| | Midlife Dating: Filling Your Social CalendarWritten by Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life Coach
If you find yourself suddenly solo at midlife wondering how to keep a balanced social life and meet other singles, you aren’t alone. Sometimes friends and country clubs are divided up in divorce along with possessions, or you may find your invitations from married couples dwindling or difficult. Formerly an enthusiastic host or hostess, you may find it too challenging to entertain alone in your own home, while feeling like “odd man out” with former married crowd you moved in. You may also have lost your best tennis or racquetball partner in your former spouse. Others take a hiatus after a breakup or loss of a spouse, and then, when they feel like getting active again, wonder how to go about it. It isn’t just about finding a new partner, it’s doing things you like to do with others. Here are some suggestions. SINGLE ACTIVITIES GROUPS You can find these groups through yellow pages, search engines or local churches. If you don’t find one in your town, start one. They fill a need. These groups may or may not be age-limited. Structured in various ways, they usually have an Activities Chairperson who schedules events. The person who wants to “sponsor” an event or activity gets it on calendar, coordinates logistics (collects money, books tickets), takes reservations, answers questions and serves as welcoming host at event or activity itself. MIXED GROUPS Regular activity groups such as an Adventure Group are a great idea too. Activities are physically oriented, including dancing, kayacking, hiking, and camping trips. There could be one around culture too, or travel. They include both single and married folks, just like church, Rotary and workplace. It’s a great way to meet new people, whether you’re a couple new to town who knows no one outside of work, or a single person hoping to find a partner. Socializing around shared interests with an unplanned group of others is one of best ways to meet new members of opposite sex. They have a good energy, and you’re already on way toward compatibility. Volunteering would also fit this category. Check out your local museums, non-profits, libraries, hospitals, zoo and alma mater to see what groups you can belong to and enjoy. And don’t forget civic organizations. Remember, you can make it happen. If you went to a big school and still live in that town, why not start a Single Alumni Club? You’d connect with people you have a lot in common with – history. SINGLES FRIENDS GROUP A Singles Friends Group may or may not be age-defined, and can include a wide variety of social events and activities out on town, up in hills, or in homes of members. Some may date, but it’s mostly about new friends and shared interests. Included might be: wine and beer tasting, happy hour, a crafts party for members and their grandkids, Super Bowl party in someone’s home, Sunday night dinner and movie, a cruise, volunteer work, going to a rodeo, ballet or symphony, attending a cooking class, Game Night at someone’s home (bring your favorite board game), a Dance Gala inviting all-city singles, bowling, and just about anything else people enjoy doing together. Churches sometimes sponsor these groups, giving them a place to meet on Sunday morning, or they can be held in public facilities such as a hotel, restaurant, or library.
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