Lessons in Shooting Hoops Alyice Edrich 3/01/04

No matter where we look or what life throws our way, there is always a lesson to be learned, if we just take time to look for it.

On February 27, 2004 our family was fortunate enough to take a mini-vacation, courtesy of our 13-year-old son. The week before this big event, our son entered a local “Hoop Shooting” competition and won first place, four tickets to University game, and a chance to win regionals. So Saturday morning we packed our bags, booked a hotel, and headed down to Green Bay, Wisconsin to join many other aspiring basketball shooters for a chance to move forward to state championships.

My son anxiously watched teen after teen take his or her turn at shooting hoops. He observed every technique as he waited for his turn. After waiting nearly an hour for his chance to shoot, my son went to hoops. His first basket was a miss. We could see frustration in his eyes. He looked down at floor, swirled basketball in his hands, looked up at hoop, and tried again. Another miss. We cheered him on; reminding him to relax and just have fun. But he wasn’t there to “just have fun.” He wanted to win!

He shot another hoop and missed again—this time shaking his head in disbelief. Finally, a few balls make it in hoop. It took a total of 20 seconds, but it might as well have been hours. My son walked away from his hoop frustrated, disappointed, and knowing that he didn’t make it to regionals—after all, there were several guys before him that had double hoops he had.

Title: Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 851 Category: Parenting

VALIDATING VS. INDULGING CHILDREN’S FEELINGS Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

I grew up at a time when children’s feelings were not important. I was supposed to go along with program without complaint, regardless of how I felt. If I was upset about something, my mother generally responded with, “Don’t be ridiculous,” while my father just ignored me. Many of my counseling clients had similar experiences in their growing-up years.

Those of us on a personal growth path don’t want to do same thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused between validating their children’s authentic feelings and indulging feelings intended to manipulate.

All feelings are not created equal. As parents, we need to learn to discern difference in intent regarding our children’s expression of feelings. Authentic feelings are generated by life experiences, such as loss of a pet, difficulties with friends, problems with learning, and so on. These feelings need to be attended to with caring and compassion. Manipulative feelings are generated by thoughts such as, “I want attention,” “I want new clothes,” or “I have a right to have whatever I want.” The expression of these feelings need to be ignored, or child needs to be told that we don’t like complaining, so that we are not indulging our children in using their feelings to manipulate.