“He’s disobeyed me again,” Bill fumed as he walked in
door at night. The kitchen was a mess and his teenage son was playing “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” on computer with rap music blaring at 106 dB, known to cause permanent damage in less than 4 minutes, and homework nowhere in sight; all things Bill had fought with his son about before. Bill’s heart started pounding and he shook with rage. “Why does he defy me?” he thought. “I don’t need this tonight.”
A hard day at office can be followed by a hard day at home, and today’s fathers often work 60-70 hours a week.
Nobody said parenting was easy, and many of today’s fathers didn’t have much of a role model. It’s likely they had fathers who were distant; providing, but not involved.
If you decide you want to be a better father than you are now, or better than one you had, where do you begin?
We decided to talk with Fathering Coach, Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPPC, ( http://www.markbrandenburg.com ) a therapist who is now coaching, and specializes in helping men balance important things in their lives.
SD: “What’s new on fathering scene, Mark? Have things changed?”
Mark: In sense that fathering is always something we can improve on, there are a lot of men who’d like to but aren’t sure where to start. Not feeling close to their own fathers, they aren’t sure what it looks like. They go to a baseball game with their Dad, and sit side-by-side and talk about players and don’t even look at one another.
SD: Isn’t that how men bond?
Mark: Traditionally yes. Men tend to bond by doing things together, not by talking together or going into depth, and that’s something, but it’s not fulfilling.
SD: How so?
Mark: I don’t think it satisfies that deep need than children have to be accepted by their fathers. We need to be accepted by our fathers.
SD: How do you show that to a child?
Mark: By spending quality time with your kids. Doing more around house. Men today want to be better fathers at same time work demands are higher than ever, so it’s a stressful situation.
SD: So if a man wants to become a more effective father, what’s first thing he should do?
Mark: Start with what I call “the conversation”. In it you talk to your child about changes you’d like to make. Perhaps it’s about spending more time together. But if you just try to get more involved, your kid is likely to say, “What’s going on with you?” I recommend my clients say something like, “I’ve not been involved enough and I’m not happy with that and I hope it’s okay if we try something different. What do you think?”
If you have a previously uninvolved father, you’re going to have some resistant kids who will test you to see if you really mean it. You’ll definitely get some resistance. Change scares a lot of people.
SD: But isn’t client going to change his way of parenting?
Mark: Yes, and that’s why coaching works. Change is never easy. It always involves risk. It takes courage. If a client makes commitment to change, I can make process easier, with practical how-to tips and also an understanding of what it’s like, because it requires emotional intelligence, too.
SD: So what does getting involved with your kids look like in real life?
Mark: It varies. Talking to them and knowing what their life is about. You have to ask questions. Find out who their friends are. What subjects they like. Basic things. I had one client, gosh he knew everything. Current events, sports scores, all emperors of Rome, two languages, but he didn’t know name of his son’s best friend. He didn’t know what his daughter liked to eat.
