Learning how to establish a healthy sexual relationship. (Black Leather Couch Tales) As soon as Chelsea walked in, she plopped down on
couch and announced, “I am so frustrated.”
“Hello Chelsea,” I said.
Ignoring my greeting altogether, she continued, “No really, Coach, I am.”
A few months earlier, Chelsea, a successful, attractive and very fit thirty-something lawyer, had been involved in a serious quest for a good, long-term relationship. She was in my office explaining how hard it had been to find a man of similar goals and values given her busy lifestyle. I had encouraged her to try online dating. I pointed out that it would be an effective method of connecting with a large number of men that fit her criteria, in shortest amount of time, with minimal effort.
“Chelsea, please explain,” I replied, taking to her cue to skip formalities and get right to point.
“I really did it," she continued, "I changed my pattern, followed your steps, went online and approached my search with a new set of guidelines. I can tell you, it worked! I found right guy.”
“And…?”
“Well, Ben is a wonderful man. He’s everything I could have hoped for. We have fun together and can agree on just about everything. He’s already my best friend. I even waited this time and didn’t rush into sex.”
She hesitated. I waited for her to continue.
”That’s where problem comes up, Coach. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’m frustrated...the sex is not so good. It’s terrible because everything else about our relationship is perfect. I can truly see us building a happy life together.” Then, after a pensive pause, “I’m thinking maybe I should just fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn’t it ok to fake it for now?”
Chelsea is one of countless women who resort to “faking it” to fool their partners into believing they enjoy lovemaking when they actually do not. Why do so many women feel they have to pretend to enjoy sex instead of actually being able to enjoy it?
Some women simply don’t have orgasms and they feel insecure about it. This is usually result of growing up with a feeling of shame and guilt about sexuality. From a very young age, girls are sent pretty clear messages that discourage them from expressing and/or fully exploring this aspect of themselves. Consequently, many women have to learn that it is good to get in touch with their bodies on an intimate level and learn how to be turned on. Only then can true sexual enjoyment be experienced.
Men contribute to this problem with their own insecurity and lack of a basic understanding of how women function sexually. Since so many men measure their very degree of “maleness” by their sexual prowess, it has become well established that giving a woman an orgasm is a defining element in what we call manhood. The problem is that when a woman cares enough about a man to become intimate with him, she usually cares enough about his ego to feel incredible pressure to make him believe she thoroughly enjoys sex with him. Some woman experiencing need to please a man’s ego report faking orgasms “just to end incessant pounding.”
Men should understand that every sexual encounter will not lead to her having an orgasm, and that it is ok. Not having an orgasm does not mean she did not find experience pleasurable. Relieving her of this pressure will allow her to become more relaxed and more receptive, thus leading to more orgasms!
I know most men would never admit it publicly, but many could benefit from learning more about how to please women. It is probably a good idea to start by letting go of notion that only way a woman can be stimulated to a climax is by way of intercourse. In fact, only about 30% of women can experience orgasm with intercourse alone. That leaves a staggering majority of women who require other forms of stimulation.
I could go on in great detail about this particular issue because it is truly at heart of so many of these problems. Chelsea’s problems were rooted elsewhere.
Based on her own accounts, Chelsea placed too heavy an importance on creating “perfect” relationship. She went on and on about what a perfect match she and Ben were. By wanting something so much can create fear and anxiety not allowing you to relax. Nonetheless, Chelsea’s attention became so focused on how perfect their lovemaking should be, that her own natural ability to enjoy exquisite pleasures of intimacy was severely hampered. To Chelsea, any problem that could taint this otherwise perfect relationship had to be squelched by a quick solution: Fake orgasms. Problem solved. Forgetting that a long-term relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation.
