[Source: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization (http://www.adultchildren.org )

1. ACAs tend to over-react to anger and criticism, and are afraid of authority figures.

EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.

If you’re an ACA and someone gets angry at you, you shrink inside and shut down or panic, reacting in a way that isn’t always appropriate to actual real-life situation. Learning constructive ways to deal with emotions engendered by disagreement and criticism are part of EQ.

Emotional Intelligence means not taking constructive criticism personally and emotionally, but getting message and benefiting from it. Experiencing fear and anger, strong emotions designed for survival, can’t be controlled, but we always have a choice in how we respond to them.

2. ACAs often feel isolated and lonely and uneasy with other people.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Emotional Expression and Communication.

Isolation is one of worst things we can do to ourselves. To live in emotional isolation can be worse on our health than such things as smoking and being overweight. Learning to communicate well, and express feelings appropriately is part of EQ experience.

3. ACAs feel like victims when something bad happens to them.

EQ COMPETENCY: Personal Power.

Personal Power is opposite of victim-ology. Instead of asking “Who will take care of me?” you learn to ask, “How will I take care of myself?” It means building confidence in your ability to handle your life and believing that you can do it.

4. ACAs are often uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They’re afraid to reveal their feelings and who they are, and reluctant to become vulnerable.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Expression.

The first step in EQ is self-awareness; to become aware of your feelings. Only then can you learn how to express them accurately and appropriately.

5. ACAs tend to confuse pity with love, and to be more concerned about others than they are about themselves.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Empathy.

Healthy Empathy means being able to understand where other person is coming from, but with respect for one’s own boundaries. You can understand how other person feels, but not have to join them in feeling. Empathy does not involve feeling of pity.

Woman: “Does this make me look fat?” or “Do I look okay?” Man: (hesitation before saying anything!)

Men, never hesitate when asked this question. I don’t care if she looks like a whale stuffed in a sausage casing, if you want to get anywhere with this woman, you will never hesitate. You will quickly tell her you think she looks fabulous, sexy, incredible, beautiful, or whatever compliment you can come up with. If there is any chance (and there always is) that you will be asked this question, come up with answer before you even arrive in order to avoid hesitation.

Man: “So, what would you want to do?”

Woman: “I don’t care.”

First of all, men, it is always wonderful for a woman to be surprised by your taking initiative to plan a date for two of you. It shows you care and have put some thought into it. On other hand, if you don’t know this person enough to know what she might enjoy, you may find yourself asking this question. Women…never, and I mean never say you don’t care! I can’t tell you how many of my male friends have told me that it makes them crazy when a woman can’t make up her mind. Let’s face it. Sometimes men have a harder time in creativity area then women. They also want to please you and are maybe afraid that if they take reigns, you might get bored. When you are asked this question, give them a couple of ideas. That way they can still feel like they are getting to take control of end decision, but will know you will be pleased with either one. Your night will go much smoother.

Man: “Shoot, I forgot my wallet. Can you get this one?”