EXPLANATIONS? . . . OR EXCUSES?By Pauline Wallin, Ph.D Author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior"
Word count: 757 Copyright Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. 2004. All rights reserved
Which of
following "explanations" have you heard (or used!) in past few weeks?
* I need to reward myself for being so good.
* The boss hates me.
* It's been too hot (too cold, too rainy) to exercise
* Of course I have problems. I'm a middle child.
* It was alcohol talking.
It's pretty obvious that above "explanations" are basically excuses for avoiding responsibility. Your “inner brat” uses such excuses to justify overeating, underachievement and saying hurtful things.
Next look at following. They almost seem like plausible explanations:
* Sorry I'm late again. There was a lot of traffic.
* I haven't had a chance to call her back. It's been crazy around here.
* I never went to college because my parents didn't encourage me.
* I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
* I can't seem to get things done because of my ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).
But these, too, are still excuses, not explanations. If you examine above statements more closely, you will find that they are not entirely explanatory, and are easily challenged. For example:
* Being chronically late is not caused by traffic; it's caused by not leaving enough time for travel.
* If a phone call is important enough, a person will almost always find time.
* Lack of parental encouragement may have some influence on one's life, but eventually we all have choices to make about investing our time and energy.
* Most of time people avoid confrontation not to protect someone else's feelings, but to protect their own.
* People with ADHD need to work harder to stay focused but this does not mean they cannot complete their tasks.
A true explanation shows a cause-and-effect relationship: Situation X caused Consequence Y. Excuses masquerade as explanations, but are really distortions of truth. Excuses include following elements:
1. They usually blame other people or external circumstances -- e.g., "I hit him because he made me mad," or "You're too sensitive," or "It was just my bad luck."
2. When they blame oneself, they usually invoke a personal trait or limitation -- e.g., "I'm not good at keeping track of bills," or "You KNOW I never remember details," or "I have no self-discipline."
