NOTE: These rules are JOKES! If you ever see any of these rules posted at any gym you ever go to, please take a picture for me!

1. Don’t blow your nose in water fountain.

This is a crude habit and can contribute to spread of colds and viruses. Besides, that’s what gym towels are for...

2. No smoking on cardio machines.

Those little circular spots are water-bottle holders, not ashtrays. If you need a cigarette that badly when you’re working out, tape one to pulldown bar and take a drag on it as a reward for each rep you do.

3. When spotting someone on bench press, be sure to wipe your face first.

You are not a stalactite, and dripping sweat into someone’s eye is not a good way to make friends.

4. If you choose to wear cologne or perfume to gym, please don’t marinate in it.

If person on stair machine next to you lights up a cigarette, you could both be seriously injured.

5. Those stands that have all weight plates on them should not be used for holding your donuts.

Your donuts will end up with a terrible metallic taste that even coffee in your water bottle won’t be able to get out of your mouth.

But how many people continue to use it consistently? Here are some uses (that you should never, ever actually take seriously, of course!) you may not have thought of for your forgotten purchases.

1. Dumbells - The original dark basement booby trap.

* Dumbells make great children’s toys. They are, of course, heavier and more dangerous than a barbie doll or Play-Doh (tm) and are not really as exciting as a video game but they certainly are cheap and hard to break.

* Tenderizing meat - bash meat with dumbell repeatedly. Great shoulder and arm exercise too! May increase iron content of your food significantly.

* Bowling - set them on end and use them as pins. You will need a really heavy ball for this.

2. Ab Rollers - These are abdominal training devices that feature a head rest attached to a frame that you set your arms on so you can rock, rock, rock your way to six-pack abs.

* Roll cage for a toboggan - for safety-minded parent. Protect your child from heartbreak of a rollover accident on sled hill by having him or her carry this while going down. Nevermind that they won’t be able steer because they’re holding onto thing...

* Tenderizing meat - lay meat down below head rest and rock violently back and forth on top of it.

* Baby toy hanger - nothing good on tv? Hook some old christmas tree ornaments from top crossbar and set your baby underneath. You’ll both be amused for hours!

3. Thighmaster (tm) - popularized by Suzanne Somers, no closet is complete without this device. You simply set it between your legs and squeeze!

* Keeps doors closed - jam it in corner behind a door. When you open door, it squeezes spring. When you release door, stored tension closes door automatically behind you! At 40 miles per hour!!!

* Tenderizing meat - set meat on counter, squeeze Thighmaster shut with your hands then release spring on top of meat like a bear trap.