Please don’t try to put money into this machine. It’s for working your abdominals. You will never, EVER get a Nestle’s Crunch bar out of it.

7. Even though gym has stair machines, it is not required by law to have elevator machines.

Please stop asking about this at reception desk.

8. Pick up after your dog when you walk him on treadmill.

No explanation necessary.

9. If you have a habit of spraying spit when you lift, ensure there is no one in your target area.

It’s bad enough that mirrors by squat rack look like a St. Bernard shook himself in front of them.

10. Do not give yourself C.P.R. when doing bench presses.

Bouncing bar heavily off your ribcage instead of pressing it properly may cause damage to bar and voids warranty on bench. Besides that, you don’t want your spotter feeling as though he’s dribbling a barbell down court do you?

11. Beer and/or liquor in your water bottle are prohibited.

Unless, of course, you bring enough for everybody. This also goes for mochaccinos, frappaccinos, and anything with an umbrella in it.

12. Use rowing machine at your own risk.

If it sinks, there are no lifeguards on duty.

Following these rules to best of your ability will ensure a pleasant exercise experience for everyone.

Thank you.

* Tenderizing meat - of course, to accomplish this you’ll have to throw meat at it really hard.

* Playing practical jokes on drunk friends - sit them in machine then tell them to watch you as you run around it a few times and you’ll see what I mean.

* Pretending you’re Captain Kirk of Starship Enterprise - set phasers on "useless."

5. The Bowflex (tm) - This is a popular home exercise machine that utilizes incredible power of bending things to sculpt your body.

* Conversation piece - classic display of this machine in corner of your living room is sure to spur discussion. "You have how many payments left on this thing?"

* Tenderizing meat - remove one of bows and slap meat silly with it.

* Burglar deterrant - set machine in front of a ground floor window with all of bows rigged up to latch. Be sure thief signs a waiver before attempting to open window, however, as he’s going to get up to 410 pounds of resistance right where it counts.

6. Electric Ab Training Belts - Electrocute your way to a flatter stomach!

* Unfortunately, they aren’t very good for keeping your pants up, so that’s out of question.

* Place mat/food warmer - somebody running late for dinner? Set their plate on it and turn up juice!

* Memorabilia - write words "Golden Gloves" on it and set it on mantle right next to your "Big Mouth Billy Bass (tm)" singing plastic fish!

* Tenderizing meat - set meat on counter, place belt on top of it, turn it to highest level, then lean down on it with all your weight as it tenderizes and sears at same time!

* Driving safety gear - your spouse have a tendency to get sleepy at wheel? That’s a thing of past when they’ve got belt on and you’ve got controls in your hand...

7. And last but not least, every piece of equipment that has handles, bars, hooks, stacks, pins, corners, rails, seats, clips, stands or attachments and does or does not come in a box...

CLOTHES HANGER!