The question of what I want has bubbled up frequently in recent weeks. I've explored many facets of wanting: wanting more, wanting less, wanting something different, wanting what I think I can't have, and challenge of giving myself permission to want what I want.

In my estimation, here are top eight reasons we don't give ourselves what we want. Hint, hint - this is all about social conditioning - or what you've absorbed from family, friends or "experts" about "the way things should be."

- You've lost touch with what you want and how you feel.

- You're not willing to admit what you want.

- You're afraid of what you want.

- What you want runs headlong into someone else's opposing desires or -- yikes!-- into their fear. This is an "outer critic" showing up.

- Your judgment or someone else's stops you in your tracks.

- Your "inner critic" rears its noisy head, and says "Are you crazy? You don't deserve that!"

- You don't see that you already have what you want.

- You simply can't give yourself permission to want it.

If you are someone who needs to find a way to forgive, here are best steps I’ve found (and no, it’s not simply, “I forgive you” and matter is settled. That only works for children who are two) in order to do that.

The first step to forgiveness is to ask God to help you to be willing to forgive. Forgiving someone because everyone else says you should or because you know it’s right thing to do will leave you feeling empty and angry if you try to force yourself to do so. Therefore, you must first ask God for willingness to forgive. The best way to do this is to say, “God, please soften hard places in my heart toward _________ so that I can be willing to forgive him/her.” Now, this is not a one-time and it’s done thing. It may take a few days of saying this repeatedly or it may take a few months if trauma has been damaging enough or if it was long-lasting. But that is first step—to be willing.

The second step for some may actually be first step. They may already be willing to forgive person, but just not know how. In this step person trying to forgive simply says, “Lord, help me to forgive ___________ for any and all wrongs they have done to me.” Again, this step may take some time. I have found that if you will say this every time your thoughts go to that person, sooner or later, your heart will begin to feel forgiveness.

Now many people stop there, and then wonder why later on forgiven person and circumstance surrounding that person doesn’t go away. You think, “I’ve forgiven them, so why don’t I feel better about it? Why is that still bothering me?” It’s still bothering you because you haven’t completed forgiveness process.

Sure, you’ve forgiven them, but what I’ve learned is that often there were two people in situation and you haven’t forgiven other person—you. I had a roommate in college who was like a sister to me for about 18-months. We were all-but inseparable. Then she found a boyfriend and suddenly friendship that I had invested a lot of time and emotion into changed in a way I wasn’t ready for. I was angry and hurt and afraid and lonely. She tried, but our friendship didn’t survive.

I knew I had to find a way to forgive her, and eventually I did. But I still felt horrible about way things had ended. Even after I re-established contact with her and got our friendship to a place where we both knew we were no longer angry and hurt, I still didn’t feel right about whole thing. Then, one day I heard someone say that you need to say, “I forgive myself for ever thinking I ever did anything wrong.” I forgive myself… That was part I had been missing. I had forgiven her, but I had never forgiven myself for large part I had played in whole mess.