Has this happened to you? SCENARIO NUMBER 1
Linda was visiting friends in Seattle and they fixed her up with Robert for a date. He suggested they have lunch and then he wanted to show her
tourist district. Of course it was one shop after another. Assuming that if she appeared interested in something, he would buy it for her, Linda kept it low key as they browsed through beautiful shops. Then something caught her eye and she couldn’t conceal it: a silly toy she knew her grandson would like. She picked it up, laughed, they played with it, and then she put it back. “Oh, go ahead and get it!” Robert said, and his hand reached automatically for his back pocket, but then he turned away. Linda went ahead and picked up toy and they headed for checkout counter. Suddenly Robert looked confused and fell back behind her, making sure she approached counter first and alone. In other words, he made it clear he was NOT going to buy this $6 toy for her. You could almost see him fighting with himself! SCENARIO NUMBER 2
A couple of dates into a new relationship and Ted and Shannon were discussing what they liked.
“Attention,” said Shannon.
“What kind of attention?” Ted asked, warming to occasion. “Oh, different things. Sweet looks, lilttle remembrances, time with you," Shannon said. “It varies. But I like attention from you.” (He had mentioned earlier, and she knew from friends that his former wife ignored him, worked all time, and ultimately had an affair and left him.) Shannon smiled, wanting him to know how much she liked him, and he smiled back.
Then there was a pause.
A crestfallen face (remembering) was followed by a mask (hurting) as Ted delivered this door-slammer: “Sometimes you don’t get what you like.”
What’s going on here? It happens to all of us! DON’T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU!
Men know what women like and they’re naturally inclined to do it. It’s kind of natural with guys to want to give. But what’s happened is, this guy has done all this before and it didn’t work out. Now when he has impulse to do something nice, he’s thinking, “I did that before and what I got was divorced. I’m not falling for that one again!” or “If I buy her something, she’ll walk all over me like my ex-wife did.”
Robert was really happy when he was thinking about buying toy for Linda. It showed all over his face. Then he remembered something, and he stopped himself. BTW, this isn’t about “buying,” it’s about giving. Needless to say Linda has $6 to buy toy; she’d gotten herself to Seattle after all! It’s Linda’s pleasure to receive gifts when they’re given to her. It’s part of give-and-take of relationships. She might offer to buy coffee and dessert later. It starts “we” thing going. Ted is a loving man who had been starved for affection. Remembering former rebuffs, he retreated in steely resignation – “Well, I didn’t get what I wanted (in former relationship), so I’m not going to give YOU, what YOU want” – when he and Shannon had already spent many hours together getting along well, and he had been very attentive! Until he thought about it, that is. TURN OFF THE TALKING-HEAD! STOP THE CEREBRAL SABOTEUR! DE-ACTIVATE THE DOUBLE-THINKOVER!
