Kevin apologized to Melissa after he missed an appointment. It was a simple misunderstanding, so Melissa said she wasn't really upset, just frustrated and disappointed.
But Kevin sensed there was more to it. Melissa's smile seemed forced, and he felt there was more she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, Kevin had an uneasy feeling in
pit of his stomach.
Emotional Incongruence
Emotional authenticity--acknowledging your true feelings--initiates enlightened conflict resolution. Yet this can be compromised by emotional incongruence: denying or trying to cover your true feelings, either intentionally or not.
Most people have learned to hide their feelings. They've learned to be guarded because dropping mask and being emotionally honest can lead to feeling vulnerable. In heat of moment, it can be hard to see how honesty and vulnerability might be good, how completely disarming they can be and how important they are to building trust and compassion.
No, in heat of moment, hiding seems like a better idea. And to make it more complex, sometimes you know you are doing it, and sometimes you don't.
Sometimes you lie about your feelings to get upper hand. It's almost always a self-defeating move, though, because it is so transparent. People may not notice deceit right away, but after they have had a chance to reflect, truth usually dawns. They may not confront you because it is not worth effort, but they will feel wary and simply "go polite" and keep their distance. Just as Kevin did with Melissa.
At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self-image. Perhaps you're trying to keep up appearance of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath surface, fear of looking bad, or being wrong or cast aside, dictates your defensiveness. Others almost always experience your defensiveness as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just as Melissa did.
