Crazy Talk or Clear Communication?

Written by Paul & Layne Cutright


Kevin apologized to Melissa after he missed an appointment. It was a simple misunderstanding, so Melissa said she wasn't really upset, just frustrated and disappointed.

But Kevin sensed there was more to it. Melissa's smile seemed forced, and he felt there was more she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, Kevin had an uneasy feeling inrepparttar pit of his stomach.

Emotional Incongruence

Emotional authenticity--acknowledging your true feelings--initiates enlightened conflict resolution. Yet this can be compromised by emotional incongruence: denying or trying to cover your true feelings, either intentionally or not.

Most people have learned to hide their feelings. They've learned to be guarded because droppingrepparttar 129947 mask and being emotionally honest can lead to feeling vulnerable. Inrepparttar 129948 heat ofrepparttar 129949 moment, it can be hard to see how honesty and vulnerability might be good, how completely disarming they can be and how important they are to building trust and compassion.

No, inrepparttar 129950 heat ofrepparttar 129951 moment, hiding seems like a better idea. And to make it more complex, sometimes you know you are doing it, and sometimes you don't.

Sometimes you lie about your feelings to getrepparttar 129952 upper hand. It's almost always a self-defeating move, though, because it is so transparent. People may not noticerepparttar 129953 deceit right away, but after they have had a chance to reflect,repparttar 129954 truth usually dawns. They may not confront you because it is not worthrepparttar 129955 effort, but they will feel wary and simply "go polite" and keep their distance. Just as Kevin did with Melissa.

At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self-image. Perhaps you're trying to keep uprepparttar 129956 appearance of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneathrepparttar 129957 surface,repparttar 129958 fear of looking bad, or being wrong or cast aside, dictates your defensiveness. Others almost always experience your defensiveness as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just as Melissa did.

Got Attitude?

Written by Kathryn Lord


Probably you do have attitude, but what is it? Jaded, self-protective? Frightened? Is "scared to death" too strong?

What you want, a plan to get there, and an attitude to match is vital for partnering success. Think about it: if you are sure that what you are doing won't work, chances are very good that you will be right.

It’s like planning a trip to where you really don't want to go, but it isrepparttar only route you know. Who wants to spend their vacation inrepparttar 129946 city dump? That’s just what you are deciding to do if you are saying things to yourself like "There are no good men out there," or "Women are just looking for a fat wallet," or "It’s not going to work, so why try?" You can be sure with those kinds of attitudes, you won't find any good men, or will just find gold-digging women, or you won't get anywhere at all.

Do you know how, when you suddenly become interested in something, you start noticing it everywhere? A few months ago, I got a sudden inspiration that I wanted a white convertible, right out ofrepparttar 129947 blue. And then I started noticing convertibles. Never knew that there were so many of them around, but then again, I hadn't been looking before. It’srepparttar 129948 same way with those PT Cruisers -- I think they are as cute as a button, and I notice them. I do not notice Cadillac’s or Chevrolets or BMW’s.

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