Thanksgiving was no exception. Vicki had to sit stoically while Mom praised Susie’s new house, her recent promotion at work and how well grandchildren were doing. Not once did their mother or Susie ask about Vicki’s life in a way that sounded sincere to Vicki.

As a result, Vicki was feeling ignored. Sensing this, sister Susie tried to make contact with Vicki by inviting her to her daughter’s upcoming graduation at which she would be giving Valedictorian address.

This invitation put Vicki in internal turmoil. While she wanted to be part of family, there was this inner voice telling her things like: “Sure, they talk to me when they want something!” and “Why should I spend money on a gift when I’m not really part of family anyhow? Besides, Susie didn’t come to my daughter’s graduation last year.”

What We Think is What We Get

At this point, Vicki is gettng more upset and angry as she struggles with her inner conversation. “Why do they treat me this way?” she is asking herself. “They should pay more attention to me. They never give me credit for anything.”

If someone asked Vicki what was causing her anger, she – like most people – would say something like “It’s my family… they are impossible NOT to get mad at… they constantly make me angry because of way they act toward me.”

Trigger and Responses

And, like most people, she would only be partially right. While her family members may serve as a TRIGGER for her angry feelings, it is conversation she has with herself about her family that really causes distress and angst.

Take for instance, being bitten by a big, black dog at age 3. As a normal child your brain would make a record called “become afraid when you see a big, black dog.”

Forward to age 28. you have forgotten dog incident at age 3. You are walking down street and pass a dog that is big – and you guessed it – black. You automatically feel anxiety and apprehension and you want to avoid it, even though it is behind a gate and cannot harm you now. You find yourself thinking things like, “Big black dogs are dangerous,” and “It’s better to walk on other side of street.”

And so it is with many anger reactions. We find people and situations that literally “push our buttons,” and we respond just like that juke box that automatically pulls down a record and starts playing it.

Of course, there are times when we SHOULD play usual record. For instance, many social ills in our society are solved by people becoming righteously indignant (a form of anger) and taking action to correct an evil or a wrong.

Other times, anger gets people’s attention and they start taking us more seriously. But, 95% of time, negative far outweighs positive when we lose control of our anger feelings. The costs are usually high and benefits low.

Most of time, anger simply doesn’t get us what we desire or need in first place and only makes things worse in terms of consequences to us, our “victims,” and to people (like children or employees) who may witness it.

Rather than reacting to anger triggers, here are five steps you can learn to choose how to deal with situation – to respond rather than react.