Monitoring and changing internal conversations is an important tool for anger management any time of year, but is critical around holidays. Holidays encourage family members to interact with each other, sometimes re-igniting lifetime dynamics and painful issues.

Holiday Self-Help Messages

Break bad habits by choosing one, or more, tactics from following list. But remember, it takes repetition to develop these new “thought” skills:

1.Control: I don’t NEED to get defensive. I can stay calm and deal with it. 2.Keep Cool: As long as I keep cool, I’m in control of myself. 3.My Anger is a Signal: Take time to talk to myself and relax. 4.Limits: I can’t control my relatives and in-laws. They will think and do what they want. But I CAN CONTROL how I express my feelings. 5.Surviving Criticism: If my family criticizes me, I can survive that. Nothing says I have to be perfect. 6.Reality: The way my family sees me isn’t necessarily way I am. Their perceptions may be totally wrong. 7.Toleration: This visit will soon be over. I can hold on for a bit more. 8.Acceptance: I have to accept that my family may not treat me way I would like – but I can live with that. 9.Independence: Nothing says I have to live up to expectations of my parents or relatives. 10.Reality Check: Maybe I am over-reacting to what they are saying. I understand my anger or insecurity may come from outdated feelings. 11.Inner Strength: I don’t need to doubt myself; what they say doesn’t HAVE to upset me. I’m only person who can make me upset or calm. 12.Time Out: Before my angry outburst, I will take a “time-out” to cool off, think about these things and calm myself.

2.Consequences: Learn to think of consequences before you act impulsively. Ask yourself: “If I do that it will only make matters worse; she will think I don’t like her mother; it will stop us from being close tonight; Is it worth it to get angry?”

3.Listen: Listen to conversation that you are having with yourself and have a different one! As human beings, we have ability to monitor our own thinking patterns – to think about what we are thinking about: “Why am I thinking she shouldn’t talk to her mother? Why am I trying to control her? What right do I have to demand she give me attention instead of being on phone? Am I center of universe?”

4.Interrupt your normal pattern of behavior and replace it with conscious behavior that moves you closer to your real goals: “What are my options in dealing with this besides getting angry?”

*Go over and kiss her on neck *Whisper, “I could use some attention.” *Tell her how it makes you feel when she spends so much time on phone instead of with you.

Pick your battles and learn to accept irritating behavior without getting upset.

5.Observe: Watch how differently people respond to you after you start doing things differently. For instance, your husband complains about his boss. If your usual response is to say something like “I’m tired of hearing you complain about her – would you like to hear about a day that was really horrible?” try support and understanding: “I’m so sorry you had such a tough day; would you like to tell me about it?” See if he doesn’t respond to you differently than normal. It is much better to try to change other people’s response to you by changing you first – rather than just demanding that they change to satisfy your needs.