The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as
author resource box at end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.Title: Anger: To Control or To Learn Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 845 Category: Relationships, Emotional Healing
ANGER: TO CONTROL OR TO LEARN By Dr. Margaret Paul
Many of us will do anything to avoid another’s anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread another’s anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others.
Let’s take a deeper look at what generates our anger and how we can learn from it rather than be at mercy of it.
The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action – to stop crime and violence, clean up environment, and so on. Outrage comes from a principled place within, a place of integrity, caring and compassion.
Anger can also come from a fearful adolescent place within – from part of us that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and feels intensely frustrated in face of these feelings. This part of us fears failure, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes. When these fearful feelings are activated, this adolescent part, not wanting to feel helpless, may move into attacking or blaming anger as a way to attempt to control a person or a situation. Blaming anger is always indicative of some way we are not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame another for our feelings in an attempt to intimidate another to change so that we will feel safe.
Blaming anger creates many problems in relationships. No one likes to be blamed for another’s feelings. No one wants to be intimidated into taking responsibility for another’s needs. Blaming anger may generate blaming anger or resistance in other person, which results in a power struggle. Or, person at other end of blaming anger may give in, doing what angry person wants, but there is always a consequence in relationship. The compliant person may learn to dislike and fear angry person and find ways to passively resist or to disengage from relationship.
