4 Steps to Assertive Communication

Written by Dr. Tony Fiore


“Dr. Fiore,” my 42 year old married patient (Mary) began, “once again my family expects me to host Christmas dinner and I am simply too exhausted; what should I do?”

“Why not tell them how you feel?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I always feel guilty if I don’t do what is expected of me.”

Lack of communication such as this among family members isrepparttar root of much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time ofrepparttar 129206 year, but especially duringrepparttar 129207 often stressful holiday season.

Mary’s dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are taking advantage of her.

Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative consequences. Failure to communicate often sendsrepparttar 129208 wrong message about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.

The Elephant In The Room

When you have unexpressed feelings towards another, it’s like you are sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.

Neither wants to acknowledgerepparttar 129209 elephant, but its existence acts as a barrier to real communication. Ultimately,repparttar 129210 elephant gets inrepparttar 129211 way of positive feelings between you andrepparttar 129212 other person.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication isrepparttar 129213 art of speaking in a reasonable tone with good eye contact. It’s based on using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings and requests.

Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning blame or offense.

Assertive versus Offensive

Remember: you won’t offend people if you stick to communicating your feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should – or should not – do!

5 Steps to Adjusting Your Expectations

Written by Dr. Tony Fiore


Dateline: January 4th. Orange County Anger Management class participants review anger triggers ofrepparttar week.

Jane, age 23, engaged to be married: “My boyfriend openly flirts with other women in front of me.”

Jim, age 40, an IT professional: “a work group back East didn’t finish their project on time, which made our progress look bad – I blew up!”

Joe, age 46, successful business owner and young grandfather: “I get so mad at everyone that my daughter won’t let me see my grandchild. Now, I’m angry at my daughter, too.”

Mary, age 38: “I am constantly yelling at my two teenagers because they won’t do what I tell them to.”

Nancy, married 28 year old successful writer who goes into period rages toward her equally successful husband: “I can’t stand that he never picks up his clothes and he doesn’t do things aroundrepparttar 129204 house that he says he will do.”

Alex, a 50 year old salesman in class because of road rage: “ I can’t stand it when people cut in front of me onrepparttar 129205 freeway… it makes me crazy.”

Different Anger, Common Cause

In all cases,repparttar 129206 cause ofrepparttar 129207 anger isn’t what happened to these basically normal people; rather it is how they assessed or evaluated what happened.

Anger often results from comparingrepparttar 129208 behavior of others to your expectations. Sometimes it’s a reasonable thing to do that, but more often it’s not because we have unreasonably high, and sometimes just plain wrong, expectations of ourselves and those around us.

We can thus say that anger is caused byrepparttar 129209 discrepancy between what we expect and what we get. Indeed,repparttar 129210 definition of expectation is “eager anticipation.”

Our Goal

It’s important to figure out exactly what “reasonable” means in terms of expectations of yourself and others. If your expectations are too low, you’ll feel cheated in life – or worse – that you are “settling.”

Onrepparttar 129211 other hand, if your expectations are too high, then reality will suffer from comparisons to expectation – and you may experience disappointment and other anger reactions.

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