Four Steps to Success

There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________.

Step 1: “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about behavior. Stick to one of five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc.

Step 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about behavior or situation? Examples: “When family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Step 3: “Because” How does behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.”

Step 4: “I need” This is tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Instead, it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change. Examples: “I need for dinner to be rotated among family.” “If everyone will bring a dish, I’ll cook ham,” and “I need my sisters to come early and help with setup.”

Applying Formula

Does formula always work? Of course not, but it works a high percentage of time and it gives you a better tool to deal with situations than anger – which rarely achieves desired results.

If it doesn’t work at first, try different variations using your own words. And keep at it. People often don’t immediately respond differently to your words because of previous established communication patterns.

Always make sure your tone conveys sincerity, clarity, genuineness and respect toward other and his or her opinions.

Adjusting Your Expectations

Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool. Many things that seem “reasonable” when you are worked up, later seem ridiculous and petty.

Step 2: Eliminate word “should.” None of us can control other people, try as we might. People behave way they behave for their own reasons.

Instead of “should-ing” others, state needs from your own perspective, i.e., “I’d prefer if…” instead of “They should…”

Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often behave badly toward us because of their limitations or problems, not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. People are fallible and may not be able to live up to our expectations, or they may have a different agenda than meeting your expectations.

Relationships have their limitations. Marital research shows that 69% of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find ways to live around issues, rather than engaging in constant conflict.

Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather than convincing yourself that others are “wrong.” Tell yourself they simply see things differently than you do. No need to get angry over this – they may be as convinced of their “truth” as you are of yours!

Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The underlying reason we often get angry at others is because our basic needs are not being met as a result of situation or behavior of other.

Rather than getting angry, we need to consider two more effective ways to deal with situation:

1.Honestly communicate your unsatisfied needs to others. 2.Explore alternative ways to satisfy your needs. Take responsibility for your own needs and find workable and acceptable ways of satisfying them.