And this is interesting – those who scored high in Accurate Self Assessment rate themselves slightly less emotionally intelligent than they are perceived. And conversely, those low in Accurate Self Assessment tend to view themselves as more emotionally intelligent than others do.

Ms. Burckle concluded that self-assessments alone could be misleading, and multi-rater assessments would be more desirable in evaluating emotional intelligence.

I believe one could also conclude that a coach is a necessary part of mix – to have objectivity to gather data, use multi-rater assessments, observe person in action, and help them learn with feedback. The most salient result of research was that we aren’t good at assessing our own emotional intelligence, and it follows that we also would not be good, alone, at changing it, observing difference, and getting it right.

There are many addictions going on here. The more overt ones are work, anger and drinking. Sam is also addicted to approval, to controlling how others see him through caretaking, to being a victim and blaming others for his misery, to obsessive thinking (ruminating), to defending, explaining, resisting, and withdrawing. All of these addictions serve same purpose as more overt addictions. They are all attempts to have control over getting love/approval and avoiding pain.

You might want to honestly look inside and see what some of your covert addictions are. Are you addicted to blaming others for your unhappy feelings? Do you use anger or tears to attempt to make others responsible for you? Are you addicted to illness as a way to avoid personal responsibility for yourself? Do you constantly give yourself up in an attempt to control how others feel about you? Are you more focused on trying to control others feelings about you than you are in taking loving care of yourself? How much of your thinking time is spent in daydreaming about what you want to say to others or how you wish life was instead of actually taking loving action for yourself? Do you get obsessive in your thinking about what you will say or do in a particular situation? How often do you explain and defend yourself rather than open to learning? How often do you get angry or withdraw to avoid dealing with yourself? How much time do you spend analyzing and figuring out yourself and others as a way to have control?

Any behavior other than taking loving, responsible care of yourself and being open to learning with yourself and others is addictive. All addictive behaviors are attempts to control rather than learn. Our intent to control or to learn actually governs all our behavior, and is basis of powerful Inner Bonding process that gradually heals addictive behavior (see our free course at http://www.innerbonding.com).