If I tell my child that it is not my job to determine who should get toy, I send her on way to solve her own problem and to learn from her own mistakes. She learns from her different approaches. She learns about choices.

You may think that this could never work in your home because you have experienced that things can get out of hand, and kids can easily get physical and violent if you don’t get involved.

Point taken and I have to admit it is harder NOT to get involved than to get involved AT FIRST. There is fear, and a bunch of what if’s…… My biggest what if though would be: “What if I prevent my children to learn, to become self-reliant and self-responsible because I let fear get in way?”

“Yes!” Roger laughs. He obviously gets pleasure out of being resistant.

Roger has a deep fear of engulfment. As soon as someone wants something from him, his terror of losing himself is activated and he automatically resists. He does not even stop to ask himself if he wants to do whatever it is other person wants. He does not stop to think about what he wants or what is in his highest good. He just resists. He resists because not being controlled is more important to him than anything. Not being controlled is more important to Roger than being loving to himself or to others. Not being controlled is his God.

While Laura can certainly be controlling at times – as we all can – she does not cause Roger’s resistance. His choice to resist rather than care about himself and others started as a small child, and has continued into adulthood. As long as not being controlled is more important to Roger than being loving, there is nothing Laura can do.

The real issue is that Roger has never developed an adult part of himself capable of thinking about what is best for him. He is operating from a small child aspect of himself who automatically resists in face of Laura’s requests, just as he did with his mother. Until Roger is willing to do inner work necessary to develop a loving adult self, he will continue to respond on automatic pilot, and Laura will continue to feel unloved by him.

The irony of situation is that Roger is being controlled by his resistance. He is not deciding for himself what he wants and doesn’t want – he is just automatically resisting. He is not even conscious that he is choosing to resist.

Because Roger did not want to lose Laura, he was willing to do some inner work. The first step was to become aware of his resistance.

“Roger, I suggest that you consciously choose to resist rather than just doing it automatically. By choosing it, you will become aware of it. Are you willing to try this, or do you want to resist this too?”

Roger laughed. He could already feel his desire to resist doing what I asked him to do. But he did choose to try it.

Within a few months, Roger was very aware of choosing to resist. He was also aware that it was no longer much fun. It was not making him happy. Roger decided that it was more important for him to be loving than to resist being controlled. He was on road to healing.