Yes, if you long to hear whining sound of your banker saying "No! Please, not more money! Take it away, we can't handle any more!"... then I suggest you listen up.

I would, out of kindness of my heart, just send each of you original lid from orange marmalade jar for free, so you could learn secrets for yourself at no charge, but, well, Granny just re-used that lid to put up some nice gooseberry jelly and she says we can't open it again for at least six months or "it won't have been worth cannin', young man!"

Fortunately for you, though, I recorded those secrets in digital form before they met with gooseberries. And I will GIVE them to you in that digital form. However, since I hate typing I'm going to have to charge each of you $59.95 for five minutes I had to spend transcribing from lid.

But no matter! That's such a small price to pay when you consider that after applying these secrets you'll be able to:

1. Buy Earth from God and implement a gravity tax. 2. Determine outcome of all of TV's reality shows according to your whim and pleasure and who you think The Bachelor should have married. 3. Merge companies of Coca-Cola and Pepsi and name resulting soft drink Poca-Epsi, just because you feel like it. 4. Rule Internet with an Iron Mouse, tearing down any web site that does not bear a link to one of yours on at least every other line of text... and a picture of SpongeBob. 5. Never have to pay for car insurance again! (well, I think that would be cool anyway)

However, those are just a few of dreams you'll get to realize. There will be more because you'll have ultimate power. You'll know everything, and get to be everything. In fact, you'll be most sought after individual on planet!

That's right! Forget Yanik Silver, you'll be Yanik Gold! Forget Frank Garon, you'll be Frank Baron! Forget Terry Dean, you'll be Terry President! Forget Mark Joyner, you'll be Mark Joyful!

Yes, FREE access to Orange Marmalade Lid Secrets Of The GURUs ebook is yours for only a small transcription fee of $59.95.

But wait there's more....

Well, not really, but who cares? You've already got everything!

With Orange Marmalade Lid Secrets Of The GURUs ebook YOU WILL Be SUPREME!!!! Or Your Money Back!! (minus cost of shipping and handling and payment on my Ferrari, of course)

---------

Now then, contest over, right? I am King. If anyone dares to get into a contest of inflated writing with me, they will soon find themselves floating away like a hot air balloon on a cold morning. Am I right?

So, no longer do we need to recap all details of "The DREAM of Making It BIG!!!" at beginning of every sales letter and ebook.

OK?

We ALL know what it is we dream of. You don't have to tell us. So, from now on, PLEASE, just get to point!

You know, like I always do.

---------------------------------------------------------------- *written by Joe Bingham of NetPlayNewsletters.com For more 'Marketing Humor' and 'Straight Edge' marketing information, download Joe Bingham's FREE e-book "A Cynic's Guide To Understanding Internet Marketing" http://www.netplaynewsletters.com Go Now! Check out *NEW* NetPlay Humor ezine as well! -----------------------------------------------------------------

If you sell cosmetics, it is okay to say your cosmetics make people beautiful, it is better to say it makes them look younger and best to say it makes them look sexy.

7. HEADLINES.

You should never rush headlines. A good ad could be ruined by a poor headline. When creating headlines, spend time on it.

Write out a list of headlines and let friends and family help you choose best ones. Understand that if your headline does not catch them, you have lost them.

Headlines should be captivating. It should draw attention and must not be outrageous. This turns people off. It must sound real and probably make them inquisitive.

Look at these samples. 1hourwealth, Tasty Marketing Tips you Cannot Resist, Explode your sales in 72hours.

8. CUSTOMER CONVENIENCE.

People will buy more if your product offers convenience. Any product and service that generates more result in a shorter period of time will sell more.

9. SCAN THE MARKET FOR OPPORTNITIES.

Making money and creating irresistible marketing offers become easy if you have answer to this question; What do my customer want more and how can I provide it?

Find answer and fill need. Make it obvious you have answer in your market offers and it simply becomes irresistable.

10. BORROW IDEAS.

I did not say steal ideas. I said borrow. Never infringe copyright laws.

You can however borrow ideas. When you see a marketing offer that looks irresistable, simply borrow it. Improve it, add something, remove something and then use it.

You must have succeeded in creating an irresistible offer.

I recommend you read Shawn Casey's Mining Gold available at

© 2003 Oluwafisayo Akinlolu

---------------------------------------- Oluwafisayo is publisher of a weekly newsletter Inbusiness4profit. Click to subscribe.

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