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For his part, Steve was not prepared to take on
pressures of being sole breadwinner. The harder they worked to convince each other they were right, more they both dug in their heels. Dana accused Steve of being a bad parent, and Steve told Dana she was unrealistic.
In counseling, they learned a different approach. They learned how to make it safe to express entire range of their feelings on subject, without being criticized or having to justify themselves. In this climate of acceptance, they were able to see that they had more common ground than they realized. They both wanted to be financially stable AND good parents.
I see same thing happen in my office all time. The more people feel criticized, more they feel they have differences in values. When they can communicate safely and respectfully, they discover they have more common ground than they realized. Not only that, it’s easier to find solutions for differences they do have.
So, what does compatibility myth mean for your relationship?
First, don’t count on compatibility to get you through. If you are experiencing that delicious sense of “having everything in common,” enjoy it, but don’t settle in for an easy ride. As Dana and Steve learned, life will throw you curves and you will have to negotiate differences you can’t envision now.
Secondly, you have more control over your marriage than you think. A great marriage isn’t something that just happens, like weather. It is something you create, day by day.
So, what about all those happy couples in my office that met online? Aren’t they proof that “compatibility tests’ work? They might be proof that compatibility attracts, but that’s all. Still, I am optimistic about future of their marriages. Not because they’re compatible, but because they’re wise. They’re starting now to learn communication skills that will keep them together and happy many years from now.
Claire Hatch, LICSW, is a premarital counselor who works with clients in her Seattle area office and by phone around the world. She gives presentations on relationships and conflict solutions. To learn about her Honeymoon Toolkit™ premarital counseling package or The Bridal Sanity Workbook e-book, visit www.clairehatch.com. Claire can be reached at 425 823-2273 or claire@clairehatch.com.
