We all know that technology is changing our lives at an astounding rate. I’ve watched with fascination as online dating has gone from marginal to mainstream almost overnight. It seems like almost every week, I meet a couple coming in for pre-marital counseling who met online. Three years ago, that rarely happened.I decided I should find out what these services are all about, so I logged on and took a tour of several popular services. I immediately noticed they all had something in common. All of them promised to help you find someone who is compatible with you. You may be asking yourself, What’s so remarkable about that? Everyone knows compatibility is important when choosing a mate.
This is one of those times when “what everyone knows” is wrong. These days, when mental health professionals want to know what a happy marriage looks like, they turn to John Gottman, Ph.D. That’s because he has spent upwards of twenty-five years observing couples and he offers us a treasure trove of information about what makes happy couples different from unhappy couples.
What does Dr. Gottman say about compatibility? He says it will help your marriage—but only a little. It is not nearly as important as respect, acceptance, emotional connection, and communication.
How can this be? After all, we all know that conflicts erupt when we want different things, whether it’s what to do this weekend or how to raise our kids. The truth is, while it might appear that
stumbling block is different opinions, bigger problem is really how we communicate about those opinions.
I once took a dancing class from a teacher who said, “If you see a couple screw up on dance floor and then laugh, they might be married, but not to each other.” You could see smiles of recognition all around room. You and your partner might share a love of dancing, but that’s not enough to keep you from getting into a ballroom power struggle.
On other hand, you can disagree about major life issues and still feel close and connected, if you communicate well. Dana and Steve ran into trouble after birth of their first child. Once she was actually a mom, Dana changed her mind about her plan to return to work after two months of maternity leave. “My priorities have turned upside down,” she said. “Nothing is as important as being with my daughter during this first year.”
