Coaches supply “how to” – new things to try, new ways of doing things. We clarify patterns. We listen and ask questions. We draw out client’s inner wisdom. We get them back in touch with their intuition (an EQ competency), our surest guide.

The client must supply misery that motivates. To do this, they need to be reintroduced to how what they’re doing is making them feel. Enter Emotional Intelligence.

WHY EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Our emotions are our guides. They tell us what’s working and what isn’t; what feels good and what doesn’t; what we must address and what we can ignore; what we want more of and what we want less of.

In order to learn their message, we must first pay attention to them, in an action-oriented sort of way. Instead of getting stuck in our misery, we use it to catapult out of situation.

Like many people who have strayed off course and are temporarily mired in misery, Dorothy had shut down. In order to function, she had become numb, driving herself onward with “will power” and “determination.”

Not unlike beating dead horse, thinking brain was in charge of program, when emotional brain was also needed. Motivation is not a thinking word, it’s a feeling thing.

As Dorothy learns solution-focused problem-solving instead of emotion-focused problem-solving, she begins to be able to see more clearly how she has arranged her life, and at same time, starts feeling about it again. So there’s discomfort. No pain, no gain.

PERSONAL POWER

Good systemic solutions make symptoms of problem worse at first, and that’s where Dorothy is right now. It’s a transition. In order to make changes, she has to feel discomfort. If she didn’t, where’s motivation? If she didn’t, where’s Personal Power(an EQ competency)? In order to change, we have to believe we can make changes and handle our life. It’s opposite of “victim” stance, which is hopeless and helpless.

If we don’t own our responsibility for where we are, we can’t claim power it will take to change it.

The transitional period is inherently uncomfortable, and cause for celebration. “That’s why,” I tell her, “people don’t want to change. They’re not willing to go through that period of dis-ease.”

NO QUICK FIXES

Quick fixes don’t work in coaching. Systemic solutions do, and that’s where Emotional Intelligence comes in.

Asking client each time how they’re feeling – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually gets them grounded and centered. Even if answer is “terrible” in any category, it is still grounding.

What’s chaotic is not to know. What we don’t “know” has great power over us. Knowing – good or bad – allows us to make changes. And knowing means having words to describe it. Emotional Intelligence supplies this vocabulary.

SKILL SETS

Administering an EQ assessment such as EQ-Map® can identify competencies that need bolstering. Emotional Intelligence is a set of competencies that can be learned.

TAKE HOME POINT

Developing your Emotional Intelligence will take you light years ahead in your ability to make changes you’ll need to be making over and over again in your life. It gives you ultimate tool. How about giving it a try? Take EQ-Map® and find out what’s going on. Then take The EQ Foundation Course© on Internet, and combine it with EQ coaching and putting your new skills into practice. Most clients report immediate positive results in their lives.

7. Write out a list of conversation-closers; that is when it’s getting sticky or worn out, or you simply want to exit-stage-left.

It’s courteous to end with acknowledgement of other person and pleasure of contact, whatever else you say beforehand.

· “Well, I certainly have enjoyed talking with you. We'll have to get together some time.” (This means absolutely nothing. They’ll say “Yes let’s do” and you can leave.) · Extend your hand and say “It was a pleasure meeting you.” Follow whatever their reply is, generally with smiles, nods, agreement. · “Well, I guess I’ll go check out buffet. I heard Cassata alla Siciliana is delicious. Do you mind?” (Doesn't matter what they say ... this is ritual.) · “Will you excuse me please?" with a slight nod of head. · “I think I’d better go find out what my husband/wife is up to.” · “I think I’ll go see if Mary needs some help in kitchen.” · “Time to go powder my nose. Do you know where ladies’ room is?” · “I just saw my old piano teacher over there. I hope you won’t mind. I haven’t seen her in years.” · “Oh, please excuse me. I’ve got to get this ____ off my hands.”

8. Learn some of those grand old “civilities” and “fillers.”

These are things like:

· “I hope you won’t mind if” · “Please excuse me” · “The pleasure is all mine” · “I must tear myself away now” · “I’m sooo glad…” · “It’s just been wonderful seeing you again” · “What a treat to find YOU here.” · "What an honor it’s been to talk with you." · “Giovanni Alifano. I’ve heard so much about you! All of it good of course." . "At last we meet!"

Use people’s names; it’s perceived as an indication of self-confidence. Smile and nod. Breathe deeply.

If you’re at a loss, repeat back what person said for clarification, but change it enough so they know you were listening, i.e., “Did you say you were from Southern California? I missed that … band, you know.”

9. Think it through before you walk in. Compose yourself.

You don’t want to charge into a room (which you’re likely to do if you’re nervous) and find yourself where you don’t want to be.

Enter slowly if you can, and take it all in. You can pretend to be looking for a place to put your coat, or become fascinated with a painting on wall.

Take temperature in room. Notice [noise] level of conversation; how people are standing; whether they’re uni-sexed or mixed groups; how much touching is going on (Shaking hands? Hugging?) If it’s business-oriented, notice if it’s segregated into management v. non-management. Whatever you observe, do same.

10. Manage your voice and your hands if you're nervous.

Hold a glass of water and take small sips. Don’t try to juggle both food and drink. For heaven’s sake stay sober! If your voice is shaky, don’t say much. Occasionally wipe your hands on pocket, pants or napkin if your palms are sweaty. Excuse yourself and go to restroom and splash cold water on your face.

The next get-together you attend, be mindful about conversation process. It’s really quite predictable. In fact at our family gatherings, we play a game where we write down predictions of phrases that will be said, and whenever one of guests says one of them, they get a prize. (Things like “wasn’t traffic awful?” and “have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?” and “oh, he looks so much like you" or "shaken not stirred.") If you have a bad experience, keep in mind that it takes two to tango. If you should end up with another conversationally-challenged person, heaven help you, but at least you’ll know it wasn’t your fault!