During 8 weeks, she’s talked about every facet of her life, and as she’s talked, she’s realized, in combination with her growing Emotional Intelligence, that things are not as they should be.

In our last session she announced “I don’t know what’s happened. I’m not sleeping. I’m crying all time. I can’t focus on my work.”

I asked her why. She named some clearly-related external events – a chronic problem with a family member recently exacerbated, a business in crisis which was only slowly turning around, a new and difficult employee…

BUT

“But,” she said, “I know it’s more than that. Or less than that. Or something. I don’t know. I’m confused.”

She’s struggling. She’s too mature to say, “Susan, you’ve made me miserable. I came to you for coaching and look at me now!” but I suspect that’s what she’s feeling. What has happened?

THIS IS TYPICAL WHEN WE CHANGE, WHEN WE START CREATING SYSTEMIC SOLUTIONS.

“Will it work instantly?” asks Joe Flower, change guru. (“It” meaning proposed solution.) “No,” he answers. “Most good systemic solutions make immediate symptoms of problem worse at first.”

Why is this? Because we turn and face what isn’t working along with negative feelings this has engendered all along that we were stuffing down, “coping” with, denying, or choking on. (What a poor use of energy!) In other words, we quit “pretending.”

Dorothy has been existing in a situation that’s not sustainable. When it made her miserable, she redoubled her efforts to “cope” with it. She was determined to “rise about situation,” to “persevere,” and to “prove what she’s made of,” to use her own words. She had hoped Emotional Intelligence would teach her how to be happy while she continued doing things that prevent her from being happy. Not!

HARD QUESTIONS

The coach’s job is to ask hard questions. Often as she’s talked, I’ve asked, “Why would you…?” and “Why do you…?” and “Why are you X, when Y…?” Each time she falls silent. Or laughs a nervous laugh.

“I guess you have a point,” she says. When actually I’ve said nothing. I’ve made no “point”. I’ve simply asked a question. The coaching client has their own answers.

At times I’ve thrown in Dr. Phil’s great question, “And how has this been working for you?” With each round of apologetic whining, denial, rationalization, and defense on her part, and hard questions on my part, she has come closer to sort of self-awareness upon which Emotional Intelligence is built and through which change can occur.

“Why DO I do this?” she asks me. “It’s making me sick.” (She’s talking about recurring back pain and digestive problems.) Well, if “why” is a question for therapy, in several months she might arrive at … who knows what. That’s province of therapy, and I’m a coach. To me, her ready reply of “Why DO I do that … I must be crazy” will do. It’s for sure she isn’t acting in her own best interest, and I’m equally sure she can learn to.

And because I neither affirm she’s “crazy,” nor commiserate that it’s hopeless and she’s helpless, nor offer premature solutions, “Why DO I do this?” becomes “Why on earth AM I doing this?” and shortly, “How about if I stop doing this AND DO SOMETHING ELSE?”

I then supply strategy and tools. The client supplies courage and energy.

IT’S NOT THERAPY

One good way to learn to become a good conversationalist is to study someone who is. Another is to work with a coach.

It’s a combination of being present and engaged; having non-verbals under control; being truly interested in other people and curious about them; taking responsibility for holding up your end (“Don’t sit there like a bump on a log,” my Dad used to say, and a consummate conversationalist he was!); and having an interesting life yourself! After all, good conversation requires that you talk about something.

Here are some tips for conversationally-challenged. Work with a coach if you want to become proficient.

1. You can never lose by being a good listener.

Most people would rather talk than listen, and they need an audience. All you need to do is stay with it – maintain eye contact, smile, nod occasionally, say “uh huh,” "really?", "oh my goodness," "I understand exactly what you mean," and "yes, I see."

2. If you’re unsure of yourself, join existing groups where conversation is already in progress.

Until you’re confident about what you’re doing, don’t initiate conversation. It’s too much work, and you don’t need to be center of attention at this point.

3. Before you leave for gathering, prepare yourself intellectually.

One woman I know who’s an excellent conversationalist finds out what she can about others who will be there, and then does some reading. She really works at it.

For instance, if she knows another guest at dinner party just moved from Boston, she'll get on Internet and get herself informed. You can also research other people's professions and hobbies.

Then if you're seated on cruise next to a woman from Seattle, you can ask her if she's got a Chihuly and sound like a pro.

4. In any social situation, asking about people’s children is a sure winner.

There’s nothing most people would rather talk about than their kids, unless of course there’s a problem that you know of.

Not always good for business networking, but at a cocktail party or dinner party, get them started talking about their little darlings (or grand-darlings) and you’ll never get a word in edgewise, which is what you want when you’re a newbie conversationalist.

5. Follow conversation. Don’t butt in, and don’t get controversial, even if you don’t agree with what’s being said.

Generally speaking, avoid controversial topics. Save giving your own opinion, when it differs, until you have your sea legs.

The old rule used to be “Don’t talk about sex, religion or politics.” (Talking about money wasn't even a remote possibility.) Now there isn't much that's off-limits, but until you’re a seasoned professional, don’t start out with, “What do you think about Bush’s policy?”

6. Write out a list of conversation-starters.

Nice safe topics (weather, current events, family plans, light work topics). Open-ended works best, but isn't essential. People know they're supposed to be talking. Here are a few I would use here in my hometown: