MORAL: Stick to basics. _____________

GREAT MYTH 6: It's Come As You Are

It's okay to work in your underwear in your partially remodeled basement as long as everyone assumes you're wearing a suit in a high-rise on Success Avenue.

It's NOT okay to broadcast your slovenly habits to world at large via ill-formatted email, poor spelling, sloppy grammar and inept punctuation.

If every second line of your email breaks after first word, we're done.

You see, if I'm gonna buy a hotdog from you--a scary prospect at best--I wanna be pretty dang sure you're not a shortcut kinda guy, know what I mean?

MORAL: Don't slouch. _____________

GREAT MYTH 7: There's No Such Thing As Excess

There is.

Caps. Exclamation points. Red. Hyperbole. Blinking... (actually, ANY blinking is excessive).

MORAL: It's a hotdog, not second coming. Settle down. _____________

GREAT MYTH 8: Banners Work

Banners should only be used by big companies for branding and for hyperinflating IPO prices, not by hotdog stands for traffic generation.

MORAL: Banners suck. Free banners suck for free. _____________

GREAT MYTH 9: Get Rich Quick

The internet is still real life. Cyber doesn't mean fantasy. WWW doesn't stand for Whatever We Want.

Set up an honest business, cook a decent hotdog, pay for advertising and don't quit your day job just yet.

MORAL: Get rich slowly. _____________

GREAT MYTH 10: Free Marketing

I saved this point for last to emphasize it.

Overfondness for free marketing methods is number one killer of happy success stories on net...

But wait!

You CAN send 100,000 spam-free emails a month with your own free-for-all links page, right?

And you CAN reach tens of thousands with multisubmitters and free classifieds, right?

And you CAN email millions by subscribing to hundreds of opt-in lists, right?

And 94 million netizens WOULD swallow a little spam to get to one of your hotdogs, right?

Sure! And you CAN save money by eating out of dumpsters, right?

Yeah, but DO you?

MORAL: Uh... don't eat out of dumpsters?

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6. DEMOGRAPHIC MYOPIA

If I came to buy vacuum bags, do you really think black and red porn-palace motif is appropriate? Do vacuum bags have another use I'm not aware of? (Don't answer that!)

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7. MORE IS LESS

Vacuum bags may be your life, but to us normal people they're... well, vacuum bags. We don't want a huge selection. We don't want to think. We don't want colors, sizes, scents, textures, or frequent flier miles. We just want some zero-hassle, reasonably priced, work-like-they're-s'posta vacuum bags. Got any of those?

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8. LESS IS MORE

o Wrap some chains around your "Vacuum Bag Buyers' Forum" and toss it overboard. Ditto headline news feed, search engine access, and design award from from someone who can't even design an award.

o That blinking "Recommend This Website To Your Friends" button might be more effective as a blinking "Order Some Vacuum Bags And Get On With Your Life" button.

o Oh, and thanks for free email account offer, but LindaCox@VacuumBagKingUSA.net is a tad clunky for my needs.

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9. SLIGHTLY ANAL WEBMASTER

Thank you for letting me know best monitor resolution for viewing your vacuum bag site. That'll come in real handy when I'm trying to think of ninth dumb annoying thing about it.

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10. ABRASIVE HOSPITALITY

Whoever told you it was important to be chatty and clever with your visitors was yanking your mouse. If you wanna build rapport, go stick your tongue in someone's ear. If you wanna make a sale, sell.

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So there it is... a few friendly insights from Linda's Through-A-Goose School of Internet Marketing.

It only applies to certain businesses, of course, but don't be too hasty in assuming that yours isn't one of them. If your stats show that most of your hard-won visitors are heading out through in door, it might be time for a little stream- lining.

Maybe then, through mysterious forces of cyber- alchemy, your website will be able to convert vacuum bags into golden eggs!