Do not make your children a spy in other parent's home. It is very difficult for a child of divorced parents to cope with feeling "caught in middle". If they want to tell you about time spent with their other parent (and they usually don't), listen closely and politely, and then stop. If they don't volunteer any information, try simply, "Have a good time? Good."

Encourage your children to love both parents. They must not be burdened with having to align with one parent's anger against other.

5. Taking Sides

Your child wants to love both of his or her parents. Asking your child to take your side in any situation regarding your ex-spouse can create a tremendous amount of stress for your child.

Avoid putting children in position of having to take sides. Allow your children to continue to love both parents without being made to feel guilty or disloyal.

6. Dealing With Parent's Feeling

Complaining to your child about how lonely you are after separation makes a child feel guilty and sad and want to "parent" you. It's not healthy for them to be consumed with worry for their parents' ability to survive.

Let your child be a child. They need freedom to be children. It's easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent child, or even your adult child, a confidant in dealing with your recovery, your dating life, or your fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns without ill effects, they rarely are.

7. Threatening To Cut Off Contact With The Children If The Other Parent Doesn't Do Or Stop Doing Something

The kids hear these threats and fear more loss in their lives. Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be continued.

Recognize that for your child to have best chance of growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This means that there should be some pathway of getting through to child whatever good that parent has to offer.

Anything that puts a child in middle of dispute is unhealthy, and causes most problems for divorcing families. If parents don't work issues through, those issues have a huge effect on their kids.

It can be hard to do, but parents can improve a situation by recognizing their divorce is from each other, not children. Kids need to see that even though their parents might not love each other, they are committed to staying connected because of their responsibilities as parents. At time, this may seem absolutely impossible, because parents can't tolerate idea of being connected. Yet child needs both of them, psychologically if not in reality.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

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Then she drew a picture and showed it to us. "If something is bothering you, draw a picture of a sad face and give it to me. Mommy will never ignore it. This is our secret code and I will be there to help you."

We were a demanding bunch, and I'm sure it wasn't easy for my Mom. Sometimes that note would arrive right in middle of her making dinner, or while she was on phone or when she finally sat down to watch TV. But she would always take that child with sad-faced picture aside. Many times, she would have to coax problem out of us by asking a series of questions, but we always felt better afterward.

As we got older, this little plan kept doors of communication wide open. In those difficult, embarrassing moments of childhood, Mom was always true to her word. Whenever she received a note, everything would stop and writer would receive her private and undivided attention.

Interesting though, were far-reaching benefits of this little plan. You see, by giving us this additional means to be heard, we were taught that our concerns, problems and opinions were valid and important. We learned how to express our feelings and we knew luxury of having someone there to listen. But we also became responsible individuals and learned valuable lessons in honesty and accountability. Our Mom showed us how to keep a promise. And as a family, we faced our problems together and head on.

Although idea was simple, it was also powerful. This very wise, sensitive, nurturing woman empowered her young children with right to be heard and gift of confidence. Today I use this concept in my own family and in my work as well.

As advocates for children's rights, my husband and I speak about consequences of bullying. The best defense against a bully is to tell an adult, but we are well aware that this is a difficult task for some children. Even when a child is otherwise vocal, discussing harassment at hands of a peer can be painful, embarrassing, or scary. We take great care to explain that unless a child makes their concerns known, adults can't help. We explain that sometimes adults don't pay attention, but this doesn't mean they don't care. We encourage children not to give up and tell them to reach out to an adult by writing a note or drawing a picture.

Someday, if a child hands you a note, we hope that even if you weren't raised with a secret family code for "please listen to me," you will stop what you are doing and focus on voice of child before you.

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