Knowing if this is right person for you does not happen instantly. It takes months to discover whether or not a person is who they say they are. You cannot really know who a person is until you have conflict and find out what this person does in conflict. Some people can appear very open and loving until a conflict comes up and then they get angry, withdraw, resist or comply, closing down rather than staying open to learning about themselves and other person. An important question is, how does this person deal with conflict and how long does it take them to open up if they do close in face of conflict?

Since none of us enter relationships fully healed, it is very important to know that your partner is willing to explore conflict rather than just protect against it with controlling behavior. Conflict occurs in all relationships, and if both people are not open to learning about themselves and each other within conflict, unresolved conflicts will eventually destroy relationship.

If you are a person who is open to learning and wants a relationship in order to share love, there are three essential ingredients that need to be present for person to be right person for you:

1. There needs to be a basic spark of attraction. If you do not feel physically attracted to this person within first six months of relationship, chances are this attraction will not develop. It does not need to be instant, but it does need to be there at some point.

2. Both of you need to be capable of caring, compassion, and empathy - to be a giver rather than just a taker. If this person just wants what they want and doesn’t care about what you want, they are not right person for you. If you just want what you want and you don’t care about what other person wants or feels, you are not ready for a relationship.

3. Both people need to be open to learning in conflict rather than just wanting to win and be right. If both people are open to learning in conflict, conflicts will be resolved in loving ways, but power struggles will result if one or both of you are intent on controlling and winning.

Other ingredients, such as common interests and values, are also important, but without above three ingredients, they will not sustain relationship.

That's all good and well if your confidence problems center around skills, but what if your lack of self-confidence happens to be in interpersonal relationships area? Are you painfully shy? Too afraid of rejection to even reach out to connect with others? Do you beat yourself up for not looking just so? Depending on severity of your self-sabotaging belief system, you may want to get a professional therapist to help you with this. If it's not too bad, but you have less self esteem then you would like to have, then ask someone that you trust to help you with this part. Ask your friend to point out examples of other people who look or act like you. For example, if you think you're fat and everyone says you're not, then have your friend point out to you other people who are built like you. Have them compare your figure to someone famous. Chances are they won't say Orson Wells! Few people are really horribly fat. Eventually, it'll sink in that you are not really as fat as you think you are. If you're really worried that people will think you're stupid or dull when they first meet you, then have your friend rehearse with you so that you can feel comfortable making small talk with new people.

What if through practicing a new skill or through working on social skills and your personal image with a friend, you find out that you need to actually work on something? Maybe you do have a few pounds to lose. Maybe you need singing lessons. Okay, so be it. That's not a reason to quit moving forward with building upon your fragile new sense of confidence. Just go get help, lessons, workout routine, coaching or whatever else it is that you need to continue moving forward. There will always be teachers and coaches of some sort because there will always be people reaching beyond where they already are. The only problem with a low self-confidence is that we stop giving ourselves permission to learn new things. The fact that we don't know how to be or do everything perfectly is not a good reason to lose confidence in ourselves. As long as you can play at new things and can learn, then you are able to improve and grow. At some point, turn around and look at how far you have come. Pride will show itself.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge