It hurts to guess wrong, but you’ll recover as long as you don’t take it personally.

HE WANTS MARRIAGE WITH HER, SHE WANTS MARRIAGE BUT NOT WITH HIM

Al, a widower, doesn’t know how to live unmarried and dates with intent of finding a new wife. Anna was thrilled to find a playmate for tennis and dancing. The first time they played tennis, Al invited her back to his house for a drink. They ran into friends of his at sports club, and Al always introduced her, saying, “They’re old friends. We’ll have to do some things with them.”

This is a sad situation because Anna liked Al a lot, but there wasn’t a connection there for marriage. His dating style revealed him to be a good candidate for marriage, and Anna could only feel, as you will too, “What a shame this isn’t a fit.”

TOM IS ‘GOOD BUT CONFUSED’

Tom, newly divorced, kept flirting with Nancy at parties. He even asked for her phone number, which she gladly gave as she liked him, but he never called.

Deciding to move on it, next time she ran into him, Nancy pulled him aside for a conversation. Tom quickly began talking about his broken heart, eventually admitting he wasn’t ready to date.

Both parties learned important things. Tom liked Nancy but knew he had nothing to offer at time, and conversation allowed him to quit doing what he was doing, which wasn’t serving anyone’s interests. (Someone like Tom can benefit from coaching or therapy. Nancy was wise not to try and do this herself.)

REWINDING

When you realize it isn’t going to work out, you face everyone’s least favorite situation: ending it without hurting feelings.

Pros get used to ins and outs of it, but if you’re new, it will hit you hard. After all, you’re lonely, you’re looking, you have feelings, and you know others do too. It takes finesse. You may move in same circles, or have been introduced by a joint acquaintance.

The key is to remember that you don’t do anyone a favor by “pitying” them, using them to temporarily fill a void, or by projecting too much of your own feelings on another. When you know it’s not there for you, it’s kinder to exit gracefully and free them to get on with it.

With experience, you’ll get quicker at assessing your own feelings and potential of relationship, and better at gracious exit. Just remember, there’s nothing compassionate about a lie. Everyone deserves someone who truly loves them.

If you’re after a caring romance but not marriage, and find a suitable candidate, monitor it closely. One of you may fall in love while other one doesn’t. You need to be able to pull out of this when necessary to save your heart, or hers.

Generally speaking, men are more capable of sex without emotion. Stay alert. If you start going under water and he isn’t, throw yourself an inner tube. Not that you won’t survive, but why put yourself through it?

You needn’t be responsible for other’s feelings, but when you’ve reached a decision-point, talk it out and do right thing. You’ll feel better about yourself and help everyone else who’s in game.

If you’re honest and decent about it, you’ll build good dating self-esteem. The actual relationship may not work out, but you’ll both be fine and go on to look for, and eventually get, what you really want.

Social and Community Obligations 'Tis season to be merry and party – but my suggestion is not to overdo it. Our daily routines are so overscheduled anyway that extra commitments can make it difficult to juggle everything. Attend parties and social gatherings that are truly important to you and politely decline rest. (Sorry, but this does not apply to family functions!). The season is too short and busy to spend an evening watching clock.

Community or charitable contributions are important during holiday season. There are many people in your community that are less fortunate, so as a family or as an individual make some extra time for those in need. There are many local organizations that would be happy to guide you as to what is needed. I believe this is a wonderful opportunity for people to make a difference and experience true holiday spirit.

Indoor/Outdoor Decorating Last, but not least, make two separate plans for attacking decorating: one for indoors and other for outdoors; and remember this does not need to be accomplished in one day. My husband and I allow significant downtime between two tasks. Decorating should be a fun family event and if you get stressed out and exhausted enjoyment will disappear.

Pick a theme for your outdoor display: all out, Clark Griswold-style or a more elegant approach, such as a simple wreath with a spotlight on your front door. Anything goes, so make it a reflection of how you and your family celebrate holidays. Have fun with indoor decorating and remember to take a quick inventory of what you have so there is no duplication. Light a fire and put on your favorite CD and let decorating begin.

Good luck, relax, check those lists twice and remember what season is really about.

©2003 Bridget Messino