Midlife dating can be confusing. Don’t worry, you can figure it out with a time, information and practice. First you have to understand
matrix: Some people are after romance only; others are after marriage.
If you’re a woman dating again at midlife, you’ll find there are some men who are inveterate “husbands.” Generally they were long-married and often widowers. They want marriage again and they know it.
There are other men and women who want to have a romantic affair, possibly long-term, but not involving marriage. Take for instance woman who is just out of a long unhappy marriage to a man who ignored her. Her immediate goal may be simply to reclaim attention from men with quantity more important than quality.
I’m eliminating here category of “players.” If you want relationship and are confronted with a player, you can pick up on it quickly if you aren’t naïve. If it looks like a wolf, smells like a wolf, and acts like a wolf, and there’s a tail sticking out from under nightie, IT’S A WOLF!
Another variable in equation is individual fit. You both may want marriage, but either of you may decide other isn’t candidate. You may be a perfect fit, but she wants marriage and you don’t. It’s (1) what do you want and (2) with whom?
It’s confusing and frustrating, but everyone’s in same boat so don’t take it out on others. It would be easier if we could all wear signs on our backs announcing our intentions, but then we’d still be left with individual fit.
It would be even easier if all of us knew our intentions, which brings up a final category: The Good But Confused. They smear all over matrix. You can’t pick up on them as quickly as you can The Wolf, and they sure can cause you pain. These are good folks too hurt or too new to dating game to know what they’re doing. Beware. You don’t ever want to be someone else’s first. Let them cut their teeth on someone else. In this case bite is worse than bark.
They reek ambivalence and bombard you with confusing signals. They flirt, then run. If they start to get emotionally involved, they crater. If you try to talk about it, they can’t. Note: If you can’t figure out what’s going on, no one could, so give up and get out. Don’t try to fix it; it’s a blackhole.
Early warning signals can save you some time. We’ll go through some confusing scenarios.
SHE WANTS MARRIAGE, HE ONLY THINKS HE DOES
Living miles apart, Beverly met Dan on Internet. He was ending a short marriage he’d entered into late in life. The courtship proceeded with more romance than Beverly could’ve dreamed of. Eventually Dan came to see her. Though Beverly was crazy about him, and they got along well, he left with promises that never materialized, continuing to communicate, but ambivalently. Beverly hung on for months, but it never happened.
One clue Beverly missed is there’s some reason why a man doesn’t marry until his late 40s and it’s not a good sign when marriage then implodes. However, there’s no way to know when someone’s ready to move ahead. Beverly thought it was worth pursuing, and we’re glad she did.
When man isn’t forthcoming with next invitation, it’s a bad sign. Had Dan invited Beverly next to come visit him, it would’ve meant marital ideas. When person brings you publicly into their world of friends, family and work, it signals more serious intent.
