Joe is extremely neat, while Julia has a hard time putting things away. Roberta is always on time while Cecelia is always late. Maggie is a spender while David is a saver. Carl has a high sex drive while Andrea has a low sex drive. Angie is an authoritarian parent while Curt is a permissive parent. Ronald is highly social while Greg is a homebody. Depending upon whether or not each person is open to learning, these differences can lead to:

Constant conflict One partner giving in to avoid conflict Both partners opening to learning and growing as a result of their differences

The outcome of these conflicts depend entirely upon intent. There are only two possible intents in any given moment: The intent to protect against pain or intent to learn about loive.

When one or both partners have intent to protect against pain, then they will find many controlling ways of avoiding dealing with differences. They may argue, defend, withdraw, blame, give in, resist, explain, and so on, Each is intent on having their way, not being controlled by other, or avoiding other’s rejection. This will always lead to distance and unhappiness in relationship. The problem is not in differences themselves, but rather in unwillingness to learn and grow from differences.

When both partners are open to learning about their differences, their differences become fertile ground for exciting process of personal and spiritual growth and healing.

We cannot make another person be open to learning – we don’t have that control over others. If you are in a relationship where your partner refuses learn and grow from differences, then you need to be honest with yourself regarding how much of yourself you can give up and still maintain a sense of integrity. You cannot afford to compromise your personal integrity. You can bend and accommodate as long as you do not feel as if you are losing yourself. Once you feel that you are losing yourself to preserve relationship, you will likely find yourself so resentful of other person that relationship begin to fall apart anyway as a result of giving yourself up. You are not preserving it by accommodating – you are destroying it while losing yourself.

The key is to be willing to come up against conflict and rejection, and even lose other person rather than continue to accommodate when going along with what your partner wants means a loss of your personal integrity. On emotional and spiritual level, you can afford to lose your partner but you cannot afford to lose yourself.