Like a snowball rolling down a hill, Annie’s involvement, her parents needs and resultant problems grew bigger and bigger over time. We never know exact course of aging, so it is impossible to be sufficiently prepared for all unforeseen events, but some targeted pre-planning can avoid dealing with one crisis after another. Don’t wait for a crisis to talk to your parents about their future. It may become too late before you know it. As soon as Annie’s parents needed laundry room moved upstairs it was time to talk, as situation usually doesn't get better. Aging is a process of loss & degeneration. It may be difficult to bring up such private matters, but situation won't go away. Often it gets worse if we wait and our loved one’s cognition deteriorates as it did with Annie’s parents, who really thought that they were independent as she continued to reassure them that they would stay in their home. We plan more for our young/old lives than we do for our old/old years. We may look forward to retirement and we specify an age at which that will begin, so we are clearer about target and our desires. Old/old age is difficult to imagine and specific age for which to prepare is slippery as it is more health than age related. Most people announce their desires for this age by simply saying, 1. they don’t want to go to a nursing home, 2. they don’t want to be a burden, and 3. they don’t want to be in pain. But that’s too vague and not enough direction for future caregivers. Have that talk with your loved ones first chance you get. Create a chance to talk about old/old age.

Linda LaPointe, MRA is an ElderLife Matters Coach who was a long term care administrator. She is author of several products to help families, including educational board game, In My Shoes: An Aging Family. See them and get free articles and information at www.SOSpueblo.com

Starting conversation with “I” statements ensure that you will not sound accusatory and lets your feelings come through. For example: -I am worried… -I feel… -I am concerned… -I have noticed…

Engage in a conversation, taking turns, instead of talking at others. Use questions: -What things concern you? -What do you want to do about… -What do you want to do when…

Conveying love and concern is important. Sometimes an outside person can have more influence than those in immediate family. Be patient. If first attempt doesn’t go well, keep your sense of humor and try again at a later time.

Linda LaPointe, MRA is an ElderLife Matters Coach who was a long term care administrator. She is author of several products to help families, including educational board game, In My Shoes: An Aging Family. See them and get free articles and information at www.SOSpueblo.com