When you first try gift/favor approach, it won't feel right at all. The immature recesses of your mind (what I call "inner brat") will NOT want to do it. It may even scold you for kissing up to someone who treated you with disrespect.

But your inner brat doesn't realize that you are not kissing up. You are taking charge, choosing to rise above other person's hostility. This is mark of a mature person, something inner brat can't understand.

Here are some tips to make gift/favor strategy even more powerful:

1. You don't have to act right away -- in fact sometimes it's more effective when you wait a while.

2. The gift or favor must be very small. If it's too lavish, other person might consider it a bribe or a manipulation. In earlier example of ex-wife, suppose man had brought her some expensive perfume. In that case she could have easily assumed that he was just trying to control her.

3. Any favors that you do for this purpose must appear casual and incidental. Note that man with cherries told his ex that he noticed them while he was shopping at farmer's market. He gave them to her at same time that he was picking up his kids. He didn't make any special trips. When you present token gifts in such a casual manner, recipient is less likely to feel manipulated.

4. Use this approach sparingly. If you do it too often, you may be viewed as patronizing or "kissing up." It's better to save it for infrequent little surprises.

As I mentioned earlier, this approach does not work 100% of time. But even when it doesn't, you can still reap a benefit. Because you choose to respond with kindness and consideration, you will remain calmer and feel more in control over situation. And, as an added bonus, you may find that you are not so annoyed by other person after all!

Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and coach in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004)

Almeria Trip - Costa Tropical ( Albuñol - Sorvilán - La Rábita - La Mamola - Castel de Ferro ) - Ronda ( Rio Guadiaro, Cortes de La Frontera - Estación de Cortes - Jimera de Libar - Benaoján - Rio Genal, Benarrabá ) So it was back to internet, armed with a little more knowledge about estate agents descriptions and how a well chosen camera angle can turn a pit into a palace, we searched Andalucia from village to village! We could now look at photographs on internet and having seen type of housing stock in Andalucian towns and villages we had a far better idea about quality and type of house that was being presented. (We thought?) We decided we needed to be nearer coast but our budget of £70,000 meant we were priced out of Costa del Sol. We were now looking for either a large house with two entrances or two smaller properties, as we had decided we needed an income and renting part or a whole property on a self catering basis seemed answer. I had recently read 'Sierras of South' by Alastair Boyd and area around Ronda fascinated me, it seemed ideal. A few searches found a number of sites and we saw a property in Genal Valley village of Benarrabá that fitted bill. A large village house with two separate entrances, it needed a bit work ... but was priced in our budget. The views were fantastic (on internet ... surely they would be in real life!) We also scoured coastline for cheap property. we thought about Almeria. Almeria is quite cheap but very barren, coastal properties are lower priced than Costa del Sol but value has gone. The area is covered in hundreds of square miles of ugly DIY polythene greenhouses, this is very unsightly. They stretch down coast as far as Castel de Ferro. We have also seen a few between Malaga and Velez-Malaga but not on same scale as in Almeria / Costa Tropical.

We found some sites for Costa Tropical, a quite under developed coast between Adra to Motril, neither of these large towns had anything that would appeal to us. Adra is a port, not very pretty! Motril has some good beaches but is a large town and its closeness to Granada means prices are quite high. The coastline in between is quite pretty La Rabita and La Mamola (esp) are both lovely places. We searched internet night after night and found a number of interesting possibilities. There was a beautifully tiled house in Albunol for £42,000 and another for £32,000 we could just about afford to buy both.Then there was a house in coastal town of La Rabita for around £65,000 that had 3 entrances and three kitchens and three bathrooms an obvious source of income. Live in biggest part and rent out other two! My favourite was a country house with a bit of land great views to Mediterranean near Sorvilán it had a huge chimney in kitchen/living room and a bread oven on patio. It was about £63,000 I liked idea of self sufficiency and of Good Life which we could have. It looked wonderful. We had seen another site in area with some very cheap properties. It was to good to be true so we changed our plans. Benarrabá was put on reserve list and Costa Tropical became main area of interest. Although I did contact agents in Coin, Yunquera and Antequerra about some very interesting properties. Yunquera was a serious contender for quite a time. The tale will continue but after we have to moved to Spain.

More to come .... author Geoff Forster

http://www.property-in-the-sun.com lots of photos and blog - self catering apartment for rent in mountain village Analucia Spain