I helped Alice to untangle this group of extended family relationships bit by bit. The first thing we addressed was fact that even though Mike had been a positive role model for her stepsons, he does not have an actual family connection to them. Alice was their stepmother; Mike was only their stepmother's husband. As their former stepmother, Alice's continued relationship with her stepsons is reasonable. While married to Mike, it was appropriate for her to foster a connection between him and her stepsons. However entire basis of that connection is their shared relationship to her. Both of her stepsons are adults now, and both are married. It's a safe bet that they know how to pick up phone and initiate contact with Mike if they want to maintain a relationship with him on their own.

Next, we looked at Alice's relationship with Mike. Had her mother and friend passed away while she was still married to Mike, she would have been entitled to expect him to provide emotional support to help her through grieving process. However, now that she's no longer married to him (and he's married to someone else), she's not entitled to expect emotional support from him. Alice needed to adjust her checklists and her expectations in relationship. She realized that she could no longer relate to Mike as a romantic partner, or even as someone with whom she shares a committed relationship.

Ultimately, she recognized that while she can still maintain a cordial relationship with Mike, he doesn't meet criteria she sets for her friends. If he were truly a friend, he would have offered some support to her when she needed it. Since she can't expect him to be there to support her, she needs to adjust her expectations of relationship. He's not someone on whom she can count for emotional support, and that's perfectly acceptable. Their relationship has evolved. They're still peripherally involved in each other's lives; nature of relationship is more of a pleasant friendship (Alice described it as "neighborly"). Once she adjusted her checklists, she was able to let go of anger she was feeling towards him.

Once we're ready to spend time with our partner again, we must recognize that any friendship that we build is a new relationship. It is not an extension or continuation of our romantic relationship. We will need to start slowly, and to build up a new level of trust. It will take some time to make sure we're using appropriate checklists. We can't expect same kind of support or commitment in a friendship as we did in a romantic relationship. By same token, we may find that we could tolerate certain behavior from a lover, but that we won't accept it from a friend.

In many ways, friendships are far more demanding than romantic relationships. We look for a higher level of shared interests and compatibility with our friends than we do with our romantic partners. We may discover that our former lovers don't make cut as friends--and there's nothing wrong with that. We have a much easier time letting friends drift out of our lives than we do with letting go of romantic partners.