Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and SpousesWritten by Kevin B. Burk, Author of The Relationship Handbook
It's natural to want to maintain a relationship with our former romantic partners (assuming that relationship ended on reasonably good terms, of course). We shared a special bond with them, and they touched our lives and contributed to our sense of self in ways that we cannot even begin to describe. Just because romantic and/or sexual aspects of relationship have ended, why shouldn't we include our former partners in our lives in other roles? If we have mutual friends, or shared custody of children, we will be spending time with our former partners whether we want to or not. Since we had a positive connection with them on so many levels, it should be easy to simply become friends, right? Not necessarily. In many ways, we demand more of our friends than we do of our romantic partners. Once we've made a commitment to our romantic partner, we have certain obligations and duties. We're expected to support our partners in both pleasant and unpleasant circumstances. Our friends have no such obligations to us. On other hand, our friends do have to earn right to be in our lives by supporting us voluntarily. Interested though our former partners may be in staying friends, they may not live up to our standards. Letting go of our old habits and expectations about our former partners takes time. We need distance and perspective so that we can evaluate what kind of relationship we actually have with them. I have a client, who we'll call Alice. Alice has been married three times. Her second husband, Jim, had two sons, whom she raised, and remained close to even after she ended relationship with their father. Her third husband, Mike, also had a relationship with her stepsons. In many ways Mike became a surrogate father to them. Alice is still very friendly with Mike and his new wife, and socializes with them whenever they're in town. Alice recently lost both her mother and a very close friend, both of whom Mike knew well. Alice was somewhat disgruntled that Mike did not make any offers of support to help her through her grieving process. She was also disappointed that Mike did not make any contact with her stepsons when their biological mother passed away. Alice knew that even a phone call from him would have meant so much to them, and yet he didn't even manage that.
| | Can We Still Be Friends?Written by Kevin B. Burk, Author of The Relationship Handbook
Even when we know it's time to end a romantic relationship, we're often reluctant to let go of our partners completely. We've shared so much of our lives with our partner, it seems almost callous to simply cut them out of our lives--especially if we're ending relationship on good terms. It's natural that we want to hold onto loving and supportive part of romantic relationship, and simply let go of parts that aren't serving us. This is entirely possible: we can remain friends with our former lovers. We both need to want to build a friendship, however. If we choose to stay friends with a former romantic partner, we will have to establish new boundaries and expectations in relationship. The old checklists are no longer appropriate, and it may take some time to make a successful transition to new relationship. It's best, in fact, if we do not spend any time together once we've officially ended romantic relationship. A clean break is essential. We need time to separate our life from our partner's. We need to reestablish our own boundaries and our own identity. And we need to spend a little time mourning death of romantic relationship. It takes time for emotional connections to adjust, and it takes time for us to gain perspective on entire relationship.
|
