If you’re female, ask that coach about jewelry. I was so grateful to mentor who told me when I attended my first XX conference that women in that profession in that town would be “draped in jewelry, rings, bracelets, necklaces earrings, toe rings, naval rings …” Of course I would like to know opposite, too. Why? Well, it’s not cool to sit down to a business dinner in Seattle and ask for iced tea. If you know what I mean. Oh, you haven’t done that? Let me tell you what happens. Everyone’s head jerks toward you. Then they look away. The waiter stammers and shifts from foot to foot. You realize immediately there is no iced tea in this town. But waiter won’t let it go. “I’ll brew some tea,” he says, “and bring you a glass of ice.” “Or just shoot me,” I’m thinking. Then he adds, “Is that what iced tea is like?” Everyone is still looking at ceiling.

ASK THE COACH

Your answers are only as good as your questions. Here’s a good question to ask that coach: “What will I wish I’d brought with me that I won’t think of.” That will trigger “tourist” mindset in your resource person. Oh things I’ve wished I’d brought. ·A well broken in pair of sandals for my Caribbean cruise ·A bathing suit for my December trip to Chicago. Of course hotel had a hot tub. They all do. ·A pair of comfortable heels each time I’ve given a presentation. Why do I fool myself? ·Slacks with elastic waistline for cruises ·Something Tencel for long trips ·The black Pashmina shawl that works with everything. Why do I leave it in back of my closet? ·Something for rain. It rains when you go somewhere else. You can go to dollar store and buy what amounts to disposable ponchos and head covers. (Great for touring Russia in summer or Seattle nearly any time). ·Something really cute for vacations. You think you want to go funky, but then you see someone in a smashing linen matching outfit, and there you are, buying something cute in hotel store with a price tag that isn’t cute at all. ·An evening bag. With an evening bag you can get by with that same black Tencel skirt … you know what I mean. ·Jeans. Dry cleaned and starched. ·Sensible shoes. Oh was I mad when they wouldn’t let me rent a motorbike on Grand Cayman with my thong sandals, and heels back in my room wouldn’t have made cut either. ·That thing that’s hanging on back of your chair if you’re in an office right now. You know what I mean. Bring it along for when you get cold which could be anywhere, any time. Find out what you need to know and master fundamentals so you don’t have to think about what you’ve got on!

However, I’ve thought of this communication many times as I’ve given people instructions in how to do things and tried to get inside their head to figure out how best to convey information. It’s come in very handy. If person doesn’t get an “ah hah” at moment, they tell you about it when they get back, and they are grateful, as I was.

Here are some examples that direct you to manage feelings, think it through, and respond, not react.

1.When someone says in a negotiation, “Your fees are way out of line,” resist all urges to get defensive.

2. When you’re telling a teenager something they need to do, resist all urges to get drawn into arguments over premises.

3.When you’re “hijacked” (flooded with anger) resist all urges to say first thing that comes into your mind. Stop and count to ten or take a timeout and come back to it.

4. When you’re giving an event and it starts to unravel at end, resist all urges to give up.

5.Whenever you’re trying to solve a problem, resist all urges to think black and white. Most of time there is more than one possible solution.

6.If you see devil with a blue dress on … j.k.

These suggestions point listener toward things likely to occur, in some cases almost certain to occur, and alerts them to feelings they should note but hold at bay in order to allow for correct action, sound judgment and wise decisions.

To put icing on cake, you can go on to “And if” portion of instructions. In first example, if I missed turn, nothing happened except I’d get lost.

Another day I was heading into what’s called The Loop, major business district of Chicago, where he worked. Chicago has great public transportation and most people take elevated train into City (the “el”). I would catch el just two blocks from our house and take it to Loop. “Then,” he said, “leave station and turn right. If you turn left you will be in Skid Row and you don’t want to be there.”

“What’s that?” I asked, instantly curious.

He was not referring to band. What he was referring to was largely removed in Chicago with urban renewal, but USC site defines Los Angeles’ Skid Row as “an extensive cluster of missions, shelters, drop-ins and Single Room Occupancy (SRO) hotels, largest service-dependent ghetto in nation.”

My father described it somewhat differently, and did not fail to make an impression on me.

I turned right.

This is akin to those helpful people who tell you in giving driving directions, “And if you get to a Jack-in-the-Box, you’ve gone too far.”

It’s always good communication to anticipate some of these things.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, distance learning and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine. For daily EQ Tips, send blank email to EQ4U-subscribe@yahoogroups.com . For EQ coach training and certification, go here: http://www.eqcoach.net .