Ask, “Is it worth it?” Pick your battles. Is situation really worth fighting for. Some are, some aren’t. Is it worth losing control over, looking foolish, being inappropriate?

Are you in charge, or are you giving up your power? If you are letting someone else make you angry, you are giving them power. Assert your own power and take control. If you can’t calm down and speak without emotion, take a few moments to write down your thoughts. Read aloud what is appropriate for situation.

Admit that anger is an issue and take charge by keeping an “anger” journal and seek some support and coaching. To truly learn to control your emotions, write down every incident that triggers your frustration or impatience. Spend a few minutes at end of your workday to do this. Keep journal for 2-3 weeks. You will become acutely aware of what triggers your reactions. This gives you power to choose new more constructive reactions.

Whether you use internal resources or seek outside help, taking first step is usually hardest.

When I was hired to coach Jason, I asked him to follow these steps. After he kept an anger journal for 2 weeks, he could see that stimuli that triggered his impatience was when his staff “interrupted” him about things that could really wait. He not only learned to curb his impatience, but he scheduled regular one-on-one time with his reports. He asked that they save their questions for meetings. He also made himself available for staff time every day from 4-5. Staff learned to be more sensitive to his needs as he showed a willingness to be more available to help them.

The president of Michael’s company asked me to work with Michael on his “moods.” Michael admitted that his life was totally out of balance. He admitted that his wife and two children were very frustrated with his work schedule. He said he loved work and getting things done, but was feeling strain and not really having fun. Besides keeping a log of his “frustrations,” we also examined his weekly schedule. He was able to cut back on some hours, hire a needed assistant, and commit to taking some of his vacation days. Within 6 months, he got his life back into some balance. He is still a workaholic, but he is better at setting some limits. He is no longer expressing his anger inappropriately in workplace.

In coaching Mina, we concluded that she does not have patience to manage staff. We were able to put her into a position as an individual contributor, minimizing her time with others. We gave her examples of how negatively her behavior and attitude were impacting staff, and she improved temporarily. However, when not closely supervised, Mina would lash out again. The company’s insistence on her improving seemed to be motivator for her to take a job with another company. Maybe fresh start was better for all involved.

Remember, when you coach your staff, some are always more receptive than others. To control anger, person has to have desire to change.

Master these steps yourself, then coach your staff to do same. We can only teach what we can model. Use discipline to practice and master these steps, then you can guide your staff to control their emotions.

The best leaders are those who can handle stress and crisis well. How we do under pressure is how our success is ultimately judged.

If your team doesn’t have clear, measurable ground rules, I suggest you hold a session to develop them. What follows is a process I have successfully facilitated with many diverse teams from executives, to front-line workers, to politicians, to Boards of Directors. The process uses personal values as basis for developing team ground rules. The ground rules can then be used as a basis for defining team norms and expectations.

STEP ONE: Have each individual submit five values that are most important to them in workplace. Examples would be “honesty,” “accuracy,” “teamwork,” “risk-taking.”

STEP TWO: As a group, prioritize values and choose 3-5 everyone can agree to.

STEP THREE: Discuss each value: why it’s important,

STEP FOUR: Identify which behaviors and actions reinforce this value, and which behaviors can undermine it or are non-reinforcing.

Setting Ground Rules: 1. Individually list values. 2. Gain consensus on 3-5 values. 3. Discuss why each value is important. 4. List how we can reinforce value and what we should avoid.

Example: “Respect” Respect is important on any team. It is needed to build loyalty and mutual trust. We can reinforce respect by seeking others’ input regarding decisions that may affect them. We undermine respect when we change direction without giving others an explanation.

I highly recommend taking your team through this exercise on values and ground rules. I have used this process to build teamwork, to resolve interpersonal conflicts, and to get teams refocused. It is not a discussion to be rushed, or taken lightly.

I suggest you consider using an outside facilitator when defining value-based expectations. As a leader, being a participant in this process will be most enlightening. You will learn a lot about your team members. And, they will set norms. When a team fully participates in defining and enforcing norms, a new level of ownership happens.

It is more manageable to set only a few ground rules at a time. When team keeps its focus on one or two areas, chance for success are greater. Ask your team: “What are behaviors our team needs to focus on for next quarter?”

I recently worked with two divisions within same company - research and development vs. sales and marketing. They had a history of conflict. They both felt undermined by each other. They assumed that other team never listened. There was plenty of finger pointing, blaming and passing buck.

After a lively discussion of values and expectations, they agreed on just one ground rule. “I will meet my deadlines.” “If, on rare occasion, I must extend deadline, I will negotiate with all affected parties to reach a mutual agreement on new deadline. I will notify all parties of any change at least 24 hours ahead.”

The two teams found that when everyone followed this one practice, it completely changed way they worked together. A new level of respect and consideration happened. I also challenged them to have a strong consequence if someone slipped and broke ground rule. They all agreed that anyone slipping would have to bring delicious food for everyone at next meeting and would have to offer to help other team members with their tasks.

The team reported that only two people “slipped” in next month. The two who slipped did buy food for next meeting and helped out with others’ tasks. The purpose of setting ground rules is to establish new improved behaviors as norm. When team levies consequences, it reinforces desired changes. The idea of ground rules is to institutionalize improved interactions. Ground rules can change way we work together. It can help us make a positive cultural change in organization.

Team ground rules can be used for setting expectations on daily interactions, for running better meetings, and for project management.

If your team is experiencing interpersonal conflict or a lack of productivity, chances are that ineffective leadership is playing a big role in problem. Don’t give up trying to turn your group into a real team. Ask for help and team coaching.