Aromatherapy: "Smell this eucalyptus!" beseeches pretty aromatherapist. "And these geranium, rose and orange oils." If you pour these scents into this one hundred and fifty dollar aromatherapy diffuser I'm about to sell you, I promise you'll be back in two weeks to tell me how much better you feel!!. Unfortunately, I must confess that my place now smells like a whore house in Morocco and I still don't feel any better!

Positive Affirmations: This is a New Age torture that you can do to yourself in privacy of your own home! All you have to do is repeat to yourself again and again, a positive affirmation such as "Every day in every way I am getting better and better." until all other thoughts of unwellness are eclipsed by this one excellent statement. I must confess, that after a few weeks of reciting this again and again that I feel that "every day in every way I am getting more and more repetitive."

Rolfing: "Oh, goody. Time for a pleasant, relaxing massage" you think as you enter pleasant office of professional Rolfer. No. It is time for Spanish Inquisition! The next thing you know, Rolfer has jammed his long sinewy fingers deep into your joints, right into bones and is pulling, squeezing and stretching every sinew of your tissue out of alignment. You feel like each of your limbs as been tied to four horses which are about to run in different directions and while this is happening Rolfer beseeches you to confess, to cry out, to laugh, to release verbally any memory which has been lurking deep inside your muscular tissues. Soon, you find yourself just making stories up, about time you were molested by your hillbilly cousin, just to appease cruel monster if only this torture would please, just, stop. ALL right! I CONFESS! THIS HURTS! Just please make it stop...