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This ever-shifting code of conduct and
unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in dark. Neediness and dependence on source of "justice" meted and judgment passed – on abuser – are thus guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.
If you are up to inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people – abuser attacks very foundations of human interaction. This is "alien" aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are most susceptible and vulnerable to abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to first transgression.
Abuse of Information
From first moments of an encounter with another person, abuser is on prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.
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Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.
Impossible Situations
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are only ones applicable and most useful in situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.
TIP
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
Control by Proxy
If all else fails, abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, authorities, institutions, neighbours, media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against victim. Society, or a social group become instruments of abuser.
TIP
Often abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
Ambient Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In long term, such an environment erodes victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: victim is considered mentally deranged and abuser – suffering soul.
TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.
Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory Bellaonline, and Suite101 .
Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
