Coping with Your Abuser - Part II

Written by Sam Vaknin


Continued from page 1

(IIb) If You Have Common Children

I described in "The Guilt ofrepparttar Abused - Pathologizingrepparttar 111335 Victim" howrepparttar 111336 system is biased and titled againstrepparttar 111337 victim. Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues.

The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either byrepparttar 111338 victim or byrepparttar 111339 mental health problems ofrepparttar 111340 abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy) or another (medication). This shiftsrepparttar 111341 responsibility fromrepparttar 111342 offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to helprepparttar 111343 abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if onlyrepparttar 111344 victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate withrepparttar 111345 abuser. So goesrepparttar 111346 orthodoxy. Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged byrepparttar 111347 therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive! The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration withrepparttar 111348 therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation ofrepparttar 111349 events, andrepparttar 111350 use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good ofrepparttar 111351 children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learnrepparttar 111352 jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to winrepparttar 111353 therapist's sympathy. Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticizerepparttar 111354 therapist or disagree with him/her. I makerepparttar 111355 therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude withrepparttar 111356 abuser, invalidaterepparttar 111357 abuse experiences, and pathologizerepparttar 111358 victim. (IIc) Refuse All Contact

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser asrepparttar 111359 courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do NOT contravenerepparttar 111360 decisions ofrepparttar 111361 system. Work fromrepparttar 111362 inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turnrepparttar 111363 system against you and your interests.

But withrepparttar 111364 exception ofrepparttar 111365 minimum mandated byrepparttar 111366 courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact withrepparttar 111367 narcissist.

Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

Return all gifts he sends you.

Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond torepparttar 111368 intercom.

Do not talk to him onrepparttar 111369 phone. Hang uprepparttar 111370 minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

Do not answer his letters.

Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

Do not discuss him with your children.

Do not gossip about him.

Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.



Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory Bellaonline, and Suite101 .

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com




What is Abuse?

Written by Sam Vaknin


Continued from page 1

This ever-shifting code of conduct andrepparttar unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept inrepparttar 111334 dark. Neediness and dependence onrepparttar 111335 source of "justice" meted and judgment passed – onrepparttar 111336 abuser – are thus guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.

If you are up torepparttar 111337 inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe inrepparttar 111338 empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people –repparttar 111339 abuser attacksrepparttar 111340 very foundations of human interaction. This isrepparttar 111341 "alien" aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they arerepparttar 111342 most susceptible and vulnerable torepparttar 111343 abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy isrepparttar 111344 abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal torepparttar 111345 first transgression.

Abuse of Information

Fromrepparttar 111346 first moments of an encounter with another person,repparttar 111347 abuser is onrepparttar 111348 prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim –repparttar 111349 better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "torepparttar 111350 cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuserepparttar 111351 information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature orrepparttar 111352 circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits arerepparttar 111353 only ones applicable andrepparttar 111354 most useful inrepparttar 111355 situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Control by Proxy

If all else fails,repparttar 111356 abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members,repparttar 111357 authorities, institutions, neighbours,repparttar 111358 media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employsrepparttar 111359 same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously whenrepparttar 111360 job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) againstrepparttar 111361 victim. Society, or a social group becomerepparttar 111362 instruments ofrepparttar 111363 abuser.

TIP

Oftenrepparttar 111364 abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used byrepparttar 111365 abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it intorepparttar 111366 open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet,repparttar 111367 irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

Inrepparttar 111368 long term, such an environment erodesrepparttar 111369 victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often,repparttar 111370 victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed:repparttar 111371 victim is considered mentally deranged andrepparttar 111372 abuser –repparttar 111373 suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.



Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory Bellaonline, and Suite101 .

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com




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