Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany’s fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack’s fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, more Tiffany moved away, and more Tiffany moved away, more Zack pulled. What was way out of this protective circle?

Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany’s behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than "nice" to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.

Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, "Zack, I appreciate dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I’d rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn’t feel good."

Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.

When guests arrive, your gift may not be in a prominent place, but don't ever doubt that if placed in a drawer, a few heartstrings are there also. If placed on a shelf, mind holds a very special place for gifts made with care and concern. We are human, and we are all made same - with, of course, different features and accessories. But, base, very core - no matter how hard we try to hide it, disguise it, or pretend it went away, is there - and there when you need it most - when it really counts - if your gift.

So, don't ever say "I'm sorry" to anything you make. Don't ever feel that others do better, or chain store items have more glitter and pizzazz. Glitter is cold and pizzazz fades. Your gift is there giving twenty-four/seven to person you thought enough of to give it to. This Holiday Season be Giver with Best Gift that only love can afford to give - ENJOY! ©Arleen M. Kaptur 2003 October