Controlling Behavior, Loving BehaviorWritten by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as author resource box at end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.Title: Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 784 Category: Relationships CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR, LOVING BEHAVIOR By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of other person, and both could clearly articulate what other person was doing wrong. "Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough." "I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?" I could see immediately that underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control. Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a "nice guy" and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing laundry, and doing most of child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn’t realize is that his niceness was really a "pull" on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him. Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition, Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.
| | Don't Say "I'm Sorry"Written by Arleen M. Kaptur
The Holidays are a great time of year. People just seem friendlier and nostalgia permeates celebrations everywhere. It is also gift-giving time - an opportunity to show others how much you care and what they mean to you, as a family member or friend. The decision on what to give is all part of festivities. You decide on a gift that you will make - whether you knit, quilt, paint, cook, bake, etc. You pull out your very favorite recipes or patterns and think about recipient of this gift as you work. There is no limit to time and care you take - quality of ingredients (food, material, yarn, thread, paint, etc.). You want it to be your best work - and you want that person to know that you cared enough to create this "gift" because nothing else would do. You lovingly wrap your gift and when time is right - you give it. Now, two things can happen. One, "getter" is so pleased that tears of gratitude, appreciation, and love brim over and there are hugs, smiles, and heaps of "thanks." It is either proudly used or displayed for everyone to see. The second thing that could happen is that it is received politely, but with a lukewarm reception. Never you fear, you did very best job and you have a right to be proud. There are feelings in every stitch, tuck, and stroke, and "what you see" is just cover for a whole lot of feelings and emotions. This particular gift is packed - it is filled to breaking point with care and love. But - you say - they just didn't seem to like it. You also say - did they think I was cheap or money was a problem? Whether money is a problem or not is not of concern here. Cheap - not in your wildest dreams - this gift is lavish and royal with all trimmings that really count. They didn't like it - not correct either. While, yes, some beleagured individuals have become slaves to advertising campaigns and manufacturing giants' every whim and idea. These "wayward souls" are to be treated with concern. They are, as you can see, in need of some therapy, and your gift is that therapy. If you could be a flower on wallpaper in home of where your gift will reside - on that day when everything went wrong - when bad news followed more bad news - or when there was no particular reason to feel blue but you are - that quilt, blanket, afghan, sweater, etc. will be cherished, held, and be comfort and hug that you can't give personally at that particular moment. That painting or ceramic will be traced with a finger hoping to find answers to present problems, and each line and corner gives glue to a life that is falling apart. That hand-made gift, while not fully appreciated at time of giving, will be hand to hold, smile to grace a face, and lilt of joy that only precious care can bring.
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